If This Isn't Love
by Kelitzo
Summary: Foaly is messing with Cupid’s Magical Love Karma, so Cupid takes matters into his own hands. FoalyxOC ArtyxHolly JulietxTrouble RootxVinyaya GrubxLili. Need I go on?
1. Equette

**Summary:** Foaly is messing with Cupid's Magical Love-Karma. But WHY? And HOW? To find out, just click that link up there. Go on, click it…

Set after TEC, but they have all the weapons etc. from TOD.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Artemis Fowl or any related characters, settings etc. If I did, I wouldn't be writing Fan fiction, now, would I?

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**If This Isn't Love **

**Chapter One: Equette**

'Foaly, you good-for-nothing centaur, get into my office NOW!' Root's voice echoed loudly through the Operations booth. Very loudly. Foaly winced. How many time would he have to tell the commander that the LEP sound system was whisper sensitive? Probably at least five more times. Until the commander threatened to cut his budget. That usually put a stop to whatever Foaly was saying very quickly.

But the commander seemed to think it necessary to yell even when the person he was talking to was standing a metre in front of him. It was purely excessive, thought Foaly sulkily as he clopped to Root's office. The commander had absolutely no sense of subtlety, that was his problem. He thought that the only way to solve problems was to use force. Foaly sighed. He just didn't understand DELICACY. That was it.

Reaching Root's office, Foaly entered without knocking. This, of course, was guaranteed to annoy Root. Which was, of course, precisely the reason that Foaly did it. No day at LEP headquarters was complete without making Root turn his characteristic beetroot colour.

Foaly was fully ready to deliver a long, boring and likely to be unappreciated lecture about the sensitivity of the equipment he designed, but as he stepped into the office he saw something that – to use a cliché – stopped him in his tracks. There was a centaur in there. Another centaur. Another centaur who WASN'T Foaly. And not only that, it was a FEMALE centaur. Foaly stared. And stared. It had been years since he'd had contact with any creatures of his own kind.

Eventually Root interrupted Foaly's shocking lapse into silence.

'Don't just stand there; shut the door, you useless centaur. Unless you want the entire department to hear what I have to say.' Root smirked. 'Oh, and trust me – you don't.'

Foaly gulped and shut the door. This didn't bode well.

'Okay Foaly, this is Equette. Equette, this is Foaly, the so-called technical genius of the LEP. Personally, I question the value of most of his inventions –'

'Oh come on, Julius. The LEP would be sunk without me, and you know it.' Foaly interrupted with typical arrogance. As Root would say…if he knew how to pronounce those words properly.

'DO NOT CALL ME JULIUS, CIVILIAN!' yelled Root, turning an interesting shade of puce. Foaly resisted the urge to chuckle. The commander was far too easy. There was no challenge in making him tick. It almost wasn't worth it anymore. Almost.

'Yessir, Julius sir. No first names. Understood,' Foaly agreed congenially and watched with interest as even more blood flooded into the commander's face. At that moment he could have sworn he heard Equette giggle, but when he glanced in her direction her face was straight and still.

'Right, civilian.' Root growled in a tone that should have warned Foaly. 'Meet your new partner.' He pointed towards Equette.

'P – p – partner?' Foaly stuttered uncertainly. He stared at Root, then at Equette, then shifted back to Root, who looked like a child on Christmas Day.

'The council has noticed a definite lag in the outputs of the Research and Development Department and are…rather concerned.' Root laughed nastily. 'So you have a new R&D partner. Congratulations. Theoretically, the two of you should be able to come up with twice as many inventions.'

Foaly was in total shock. Where had the commander learned the word "theoretically"? It had whole five syllables. He even got it in the right context!

And then there was this whole 'partner' thing. Foaly could feel himself blanch at the thought. He felt like…well, the polar opposite of Root. The commander looked like his head was on the verge of vanishing in what was sure to be a very messy explosion of high-pressured blood and grey matter. Although not too much grey matter.

Foaly, on the other hand, felt sure that there was a hole in a major artery somewhere and all the blood from his face was rushing out of it. Actually, for a moment Foaly had the insane idea that the commander was somehow stealing his blood to prevent the oxygen getting to his brain and stop him from thinking properly. But that wasn't possible. It couldn't be. Could it?

Checking to make sure that his foil hat was still firmly in place, Foaly looked at Equette properly for the first time. She was quite pretty, with dark hair and wide brown eyes and a smooth, milk-tea coloured complexion. Too bad Foaly wasn't looking for a mate. Although he wouldn't consider her anyway. Supplanter. That was what she was. She was going to steal his place as the technical wizard around the LEP. Well, we'll see about that, thought Foaly crankily.

'You can't really be serious, Julius. I think maybe you've been smoking a little too much. In a confined space, and all that. It really isn't good for your brain. Maybe you should go home and rethi–'

'DON'T CALL ME JULIUS! And don't patronise me, _civilian. _I'm a commander. I'm always right.'

This last statement was so patently ridiculous that Foaly chose to ignore it and didn't even bother to dispute it.

'But I can't work with her! The Operations booth is tailored just for me! She'll destroy it all! She'll destroy my system!'

But Root's face now resembled a beetroot so much that Foaly was almost concerned with the possibility of an apoplexy. And not even magic can reassemble brain cells. But he was relatively certain that Root had surpassed this colour during the Artemis Fowl affair. And if he'd survived it then he'd survive this now.

'Don't argue with me, Foaly. I'm not in the mood. Now, you'll work with her or you'll be fired, it's that simple. Luckily for me, you're expendable now.'

Foaly wondered for a moment whether Root was ever in the mood for argument, but before he could ask, Root continued, louder than before. 'SO GET OUT OF MY OFFICE AND DON'T COME BACK WITHOUT A DAMN GOOD REASON!'

Foaly might have argued, but he had just realised the commander's point about being expendable. In retrospect, he decided it would be wiser just to leave.

Sulking and muttering, Foaly left the office reluctantly. He dragged his hooves along the ground all the way back to the Operations booth, and started to imitate Root in a high, squeaky voice.

'Oooh, Foaly, you aren't making sixty thousand incredible inventions a day anymore. I was going to fire you, but instead I'm going to torture you by making you work with a _partner. _Oooh, Foaly, WAH, its just not good enough…Blah blah blah…I'm Commander Root and I don't have two brain cells to rub together because I'm a useless stupid jock…a useless stupid jock with a blood pressure problem…'

This time Foaly heard it clearly. Somewhere behind him he could hear the sound of giggles. Even over the sound of his scuffing hooves, they were definitely there. But who in Recon _giggled?_

'Holly?' said Foaly uncertainly.

'Nope,' said Equette, coming through an open door to Foaly's left.

'Oh,' said Foaly in a disappointed voice. 'It's you.' And with that, he turned his back on her and kept walking up the hallway.

'Who were you expecting?' asked Equette, trotting to keep up with him.

'Nobody,' muttered Foaly grumpily. Why wouldn't she leave him alone? He started to trot a little faster. Equette was struggling to keep up. But then, all of a sudden, she was standing in front of him. How had she done that? Foaly blinked.

'Look, I know we're not exactly in the best situation for a friendship, but won't you at least talk to me?'

'Talk to you? Ha! What is there to talk about? You're a supplanter. Although I don't know why you're bothering. You can't possibly hope to compete with me.'

Equette struggled to remain in control of her emotions. 'Foaly, I know you're quite talented, but can't you accept that I could maybe help you?'

'Quite talented? QUITE talented? I'm brilliant! I'm a genius! Who are you? You're a useless little supplanter with ridiculous notions about your mental capabilities.'

That was it. Equette lost it. She saw red. It was what always happened before she went into violent rage or into a violent rant. Neither was a very pleasant thing to witness, particularly if you were the person at whom the violence was directed. And in this situation, the person at whom the violence was directed was Foaly. Although there was one chance. Possibly one chance to avoid violence. It just depended on how much self-control she had.

Equette inhaled slowly.

'Foaly, you are an arrogant…' Equette struggled to find an appropriate word. 'twit!' she cried finally. 'I _refuse_ to talk to you. You're completely out of touch with reality. And whatever it takes, I'm going to make sure you go down hard, centaur.'

Equette spun around as gracefully as a centaur can (they do have four hooves) and sauntered off in the opposite direction to Foaly. Ignoring the fact that she was a centaur too and therefore the use of the noun at the end of the rant probably wasn't grammatically correct, Equette felt that she had handled that situation pretty well. She hadn't attacked anyone, at least. That was something. And now she had some motivation. Without seeming too melodramatic, she was going to teach Foaly a lesson about female centaurs. And hopefully he wouldn't forget it. Anytime soon. Or maybe ever…yeah, ever sounded good. She'd teach him a lesson that he wouldn't forget, ever.

Foaly watched Equette go with a slight twinge of regret. It had been shaping up into a good argument. Oh well. At least he felt a little better now. He managed to vent some of his shock and hurt over Root getting him a _partner. _Not even an assistant! A _partner._

Although, the truth was that Foaly had something like Writer's Block, only with inventions. Which basically meant that he hadn't been able to come up with any decent inventions for about a month now. Mostly he'd been getting by on inventions that he'd designed a while ago and hadn't totally finished. But he'd just run out of backlog, and now that he was calm, Foaly could see that Equette would be the perfect scapegoat. She was a ready-made excuse for the R&D Department – namely, him – not to produce anything. All Foaly had to do was not even try to come up with anything new, blame Equette, and Root would HAVE to get rid of her. It was a foolproof plan, in Foaly's mind. Which is perhaps why he was a technical genius, and not a tactical genius.

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Please review! I know this isn't very funny yet, but it will get there. Don't forget to come back for Chapter Two.

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	2. Girl Stuff

**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Artemis Fowl. Dare to imagine what I would do if I did...shudders Scary. Luckily Eoin Colfer is a mature, responsible writer who does, in fact, own Artemis Fowl and Associates and probably couldn't ruin the books if he tried.

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**If This Isn't Love**

**Chapter Two: Girl Stuff**

Unfortunately, when Foaly came up with this little plan, he forgot to factor in one rather important fact – that Equette was every bit as clever as him, but she wasn't suffering from inventors block.

Equette started churning out inventions and Foaly started practically inhaling carrots. It was a habit he had picked up in university – he ate when he was nervous or bored. And at that moment he was both. Within a week, Root's office was stacked hip high with inventions awaiting approval. Because although Equette was doing an impeccable job at designing and constructing her inventions, making sure that Root actually understood what they did was a challenge that no amount of study had prepared her for. There was, therefore, a significant backlog of approvals to be made.

Very soon, although Equette was nowhere near out of ideas, the R&D Department was out of building materials and computer space, Root was out of patience and Foaly was nearly out of carrots. Not to mention bloated and in intense pain from the number and speed at which he had eaten his entire emergency stock.

Watching Equette working on a design document that was only functioning in the last, final bit of file space left in the hard drive, Foaly made a mental note to increase the size and storage capacity of the LEP network. That was something he COULD do. So there. He wasn't totally useless.

He would have done it immediately but _someone_ was using the mainframe. In an attempt to give a hint without actually talking to Equette, Foaly shifted his hooves in annoyance and gave an irritated sigh. Feeling a touch melodramatic, he gave a frustrated growl and then sighed again. Finally, he flopped into his favourite chair, slapped a keyboard, and swore under his breath in French. TheFrench had such an comprehensive vocabulary of swear words…

'D'arvit, Foaly, would you be quiet! I'm trying to work.' Equette scowled at him in annoyance. This was obviously the effect that Foaly had been aiming for, but it strangely didn't bring him any satisfaction.

Actually, on reflection, there hadn't been much at all bringing him satisfaction lately. Even incensing Root had lost its humour value. And now that he thought about it, he hadn't been getting any amusement from anything for around a week. Not since Equette turned up. He supposed he might be a touch depressed due to this whole replacement thing. The time frame fit, and the feeling seemed to surge whenever Equette was around.

Foaly scowled. What had Root been thinking, hiring her? His face still screwed up, Foaly opened the door of the Operations Booth – HIS Operations Booth – and went to find some more carrots.

Sitting in a corner of Spud's Spud Emporium, Captain Holly Short of the LEPrecon unit stared at the rubbery looking burger in front of her and tried to decide whether to risk eating it. She already felt slightly nauseous from the small fries and milkshake that she had just finished. She had no doubt that eating the burger would result in some kind of chronic food poisoning on a scale even magic couldn't prevent, but on the other hand, if she spent the rest of the afternoon projectile vomiting, odds were that Root would send her home. And that would mean that she wouldn't have to spend the rest of the afternoon pretending to listen to Foaly sulking about Equette.

Holly was still gazing contemplatively at the burger when Trouble slid into the tacky, bright green seat opposite her.

'Hey Short,' he grinned. 'Whatcha doing?' Holly looked up in surprise.

'Wha…? When did you…?'

Trouble laughed. 'That kinda day, huh? I said, what are you doing?'

'Oh,' Holly stared glumly back at the burger. 'Trying to decide whether to give myself food poisoning,' she admitted eventually.

'Well, you've certainly come to the right place for that,' Trouble agreed. 'Any _particular_ reason you're considering bringing up the entire contents of your stomach?'

Holly looked up at Trouble. He was an LEP officer – he'd understand.

'I just…well, I guess I'm bored. For the last month I've just come to work every day and supposedly done paperwork.' Holly attempted a smile. 'Truth is, I was out of paperwork three weeks ago. Now I'm reduced to playing with Mud Man toys. A d'arvited Rubik's Cube!'

Trouble looked around the Emporium anxiously. At Holly's last – rather loud – comment, the whole place had gone silent, and several mothers were glaring at the pair of officers while they covered their children's ears.

Lowering her voice, Holly continued 'You know what, Trouble? This isn't why I joined the LEP! I wanted fun and adventure, not mountains of paperwork.'

Trouble considered for a moment. 'Well…' he paused. 'if the LEP isn't always exciting…Have you thought about maybe a different kind of adventure?'

'Like what?'

Trouble gulped. He couldn't believe he was going to say this. Holly obviously wasn't in the mood for cryptic suggestions. She was definitely grumpy. And as Trouble knew, a grumpy Holly normally meant physical harm for whoever was irritating her. Or surprising her.

'I was just wondering if…you'd ever maybe…think about…thought about…you know…'

Holly scowled. Trouble gulped again. Time to change tactics.

'Maybe you could try dating? I mean, when was the last time you went on a date?'

Holly shrugged. 'I don't normally have time for dating.'

'Exactly!' cried Trouble. He said it a little loud, mostly due to the fact that he was so relieved to still be conscious. People started to stare again. 'You have time now! Who knows when you'll next get the chance to look around for a nice man…a nice person…'

Great, he was just digging the hole deeper. It took almost all his self-control to prevent himself slapping his own forehead in a classic cartoon gesture.

Holly, meanwhile, was looking thoughtful. It was a good idea. Sort of. Not the dating bit, that was ridiculous. But it was true about the free time. This might be her only chance for a little social activity outside of work. There were only so many things that a girl could talk about to guys. After that you get to either awkward issues for everyone, or uninteresting topics for guys. Generally these topics weren't that interesting for Holly either, but every girl needs girl talk occasionally.

But who? Holly racked her brains. There was the only other girl in Recon – Lili Frond, but privately Holly doubted that Lili could actually carry a conversation without collapsing from the strain on her brain.

Trouble interrupted her train of thought with an abrupt cough. 'Look Holly, I have to get back. Somebody left a pile of carrot peelings in the middle of a hallway and Grub fell over. He wont shut up about it, so I need to keep threatening to tell mummy.' Trouble rolled his eyes. 'I was just supposed to tell you from Foaly that he wants to see you.'

Holly groaned, and examined her burger with renewed interest. Food poisoning was getting more and more tempting. Trouble regarded Holly with sympathy. 'I think I understand about the food poisoning now. I only just managed to get away before Foaly went into full rant mode. Do you want me to tell the commander you're sick?'

Holly raised the burger to her lips and opened her mouth in anticipation. She shut her eyes – nobody could eat these burgers while looking at them – and took a bite. She chewed for a few seconds, then picked up her napkin and coughed the bite she had taken back into it. Retching from the aftertaste, Holly shuddered. She looked up to see Trouble shaking with laughter.

'Shut up, Kelp.' She mumbled. 'But tell Foaly I'll be there in a minute.'

At this comment Trouble laughed, if possible, even harder. This didn't improve the mood that Holly was in one bit. It was a mood Trouble really didn't want to aggravate. Not that he was paying attention to the common sense part of his brain at that moment.Scowling, Holly picked up her burger and shoved it into Trouble's mouth. Taken by surprise, Trouble promptly took a huge bite and swallow. The texture alone was so disgusting that he then couldn't help vomiting. Holly grimaced and shoved her empty milkshake container in front of his face.

Laughing as hard as Trouble had been a moment before, Holly slapped Trouble on the back to help him cough up the greater part of the burger.

'Sorry, Trub,' she cackled. 'You asked for it.'

Standing up straight again, Trouble glared at her for a moment, then grinned. 'I guess I did. But still, I'll get you back someday.'

'Ooh, was that a threat, Captain Kelp?' asked Holly, mock-dramatic.

'Oh no, not a threat,' said Trouble mildly, playing along. 'That was a promise.'

Before Holly could reply, Trouble turned on his heel and marched purposefully out of the room.

As he walked out the double doors of the Emporium, a centaur walked in. For about a millisecond, Holly thought it must be Foaly coming to find her, and accordingly ducked her head and slumped in her chair, anxious to avoid his sulks for as long as she could.

She was checking from under her eyelashes to see if he had spotted her when she realised that this centaur was a light blonde colour, and not only that, she was definitely female. And as girly as Foaly could be sometimes, there was no way that this could be him. So this must be Equette, the 'partner' Foaly had been in such a huff about all week. Holly watched her with interest. Equette took a seat by the front windows and read through the menu idly. She didn't LOOK self-absorbed or conceited, but then neither did Foaly at first glance. You couldn't really tell just by looking.

Equette began scanning the room, which was currently about ninety percent LEP officers on lunch break. The other ten percent were families with small children, and the occasional group of gothic-looking teenagers with excessive amounts of eye makeup. Eventually the centaur's gaze settled on Holly. Holly lowered her head and pretended to be staring at something riveting on the table. The rivets, for example, were absolutely fascinating…

She was concentrating so hard on concentrating that she didn't notice Equette was beside her table until she started to talk.

'Can I sit here?'

Holly looked up and nodded, more out of surprise than anything.

'I'm Equette,' the centaur introduced herself, holding out her hand. Holly shook it.

'I'm Holly,' she muttered. Equette smiled.

'I know. The only girl in the LEP on active duty. Also Foaly's best friend.'

Holly laughed. 'Possibly his only friend. Although he isn't really so bad, if you get to know him. But I'm betting you haven't exactly seen the nicest side of his personality.'

Equette grimaced. 'You could say that.' She said, her tone dry. 'I thought it was a sexism thing to start with, until I found out about you. I guess he's just competitive.'

Holly rolled her eyes. 'Competitive, sure. Also conceited, arrogant and immature. Brilliant though.' Holly paused and grinned. 'Just don't tell him I said that.'

'Me? Unlikely.' Equette snorted. 'He won't talk to me, or listen. All he does is sit there all day and eat carrots as noisily as he can.'

'He's probably trying to drive you insane so you'll quit.' Holly said. It sounded like something Foaly would do.

'Well, if that's true, its working. I've never met a more obnoxious person in my life.'

Holly nodded. Foaly was definitely obnoxious. Nobody could argue about that. Of course, Foaly had tried, several times, but each time the argument ended with a LEP-wide census that had unanimous results, causing Foaly to invariably lock himself in the Operations Booth until Root threatened to cut his budget if he didn't get out right _NOW._

Holly grinned at the memory. Then she had an idea.

'Hey, Equette, would you like to come over today? We can have a sleepover. We'll watch some Mud Man DVD's and stuff. You know, girl stuff.' Holly grinned. She was fairly sure that about half of the LEP officers she knew would fall off their chairs if they realised that Holly Short even knew what _girl stuff_ was. There were men in the LEP who were girlier than her. Grub, for example.

Equette looked thrilled at the invitation. 'Absolutely! I'll give you a makeover! No offence, Holly, but you could probably afford to put a little more time into your appearance.'

Holly might have been offended, but she knew it was true. Although she didn't go the extra fifty miles that Lili went to look good, it really helped a girl's self-esteem to feel good about her reflection in the morning.

'Okay. I'll see you around six?'

Equette nodded. 'Sure.'

'Okay. Hang on a sec…' Holly grabbed a napkin from the dispenser on the table and scribbled down her address. She held it out to Equette. 'Here. I'll see you later. I'm kinda extending my lunch break here…' Holly shrugged sheepishly.

Equette took the napkin and waved a Holly's quickly retreating back. Not bad, really. She'd only been working here a week and she already had a new potential friend. It wasn't bad, considering.

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Okay, fun chapter...kind of. Kind of long, actually. Compared to my other story, anyway. 

Oh, and I hate to sound spoiled/immature/lazy/cranky, but I'm not going to bother to keep writing this if I don't know people are reading it. And the best way to let me know you're reading it is to...REVIEW!

Please?

Thankyou to Brizo and Crystalocean for reviewing last chapter. You guys rock.

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	3. It Must Be Love

**Disclaimer: **I am actually Eoin Colfer in disguise, and therefore I DO, in fact, own Artemis Fowl.

NOT! Tricked you, didn't I? I don't own anything. Too bad. :sigh:

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**If This Isn't Love**

**Chapter Three: It Must Be Love**

Holly sat on the floor in front of Equette clad in her pyjamas – pale pink flannel pants with Felix the Cat printed on them and a bright pink tank top. She placed the bowl of popcorn she was holding on the floor beside her and settled in a comfortable cross-legged position.

'What do you want to watch?' she asked. 'I have adventure, comedy, romance…uhm…I think there was a Harry Potter movie in here somewhere…'

'Do you have _View From the Top_?' asked Equette hopefully.

'Yes! I love that one. Even if it is corny.' Holly giggled, then stopped herself in horror. Had she just _giggled?_ She hadn't giggled since high school! What was she, thirty? Making a mental note to control herself in future, Holly quickly played the movie to distract Equette from her odd lapse in character.

Two hours later, the final credits were rolling up the screen, and Holly stood up and stretched.

'I don't know about you, but I have to get up at five tomorrow. I'm going to bed. You can watch anything you like. Sleep on the couch, and if you have a problem, don't you dare call me or I swear I will gut you while you sleep.' Holly gave a warning glare that Equette completely ignored. The centaur leaped up and blocked the doorway to Holly's bedroom.

'No way.' She said firmly. 'This is a sleepover, missy. And at sleepovers you stay up all night and practically die of exhaustion the next day.'

Holly was stepping from side to side, trying to dodge around Equette. 'Keep this up and you'll be dying very soon.' She growled. 'I need to sleep!' groping at her waist for something threatening to brandish, Holly remembered too late that she was in her pyjamas. Fine. She'd take out the centaur with her bare hands.

'You don't need sleep!' Equette insisted. 'You need me to give you a manicure!' and with that, Equette grabbed Holly's hand and steered her, whining and protesting, into an armchair.

'Pink is good. It'll match your PJ's.' said Equette, pulling a small, bright pink bottle of nail polish from her bag. 'And now,' she began dramatically as she carefully coloured Holly's pinkie finger 'it is time for girl talk! Ever had a boyfriend?'

Holly made a non-committal noise

'Oh come on! Tell!'

Holly sighed. 'My last boyfriend was in high school.'

'Name?'

'Brendan. He was captain of the tennis team. And gorgeous, if I do say so myself.'

'So what happened?'

Holly shrugged. 'He wanted me to be queen-of-the-prom material, and I wasn't. I'm still not. So I told him I was sick of trying to win popularity contests, and he ran off with Cindy Greaping.'

'Just like that?'

'Just like that.' Holly snapped her fingers. 'After that I joined the LEP. It pretty much became my life – not that I'm complaining – so I don't really have time to date, even if I wanted to.'

Equette nodded in understanding.

'Well, I've got an idea,' she revealed. She was done with Holly's hands now, and had pulled out a bag that Holly was willing to bet wasn't filled with anything she'd like.

'What?' asked Holly warily.

'We'll make you into queen-of-the-prom material!' Equette announced, holding up the bag. 'Or we'll at least make you look the part.'

Holly sighed. 'Right.' She was resigned to her fate. Which at this stage would probably be an allergic reaction to something in Equette's makeup. It was the kind of thing that just _figured_. But whatever. This couldcount asthe 'adventure' Trouble had suggested she take.

'So, why don't you try dating someone from Recon?' Equette asked. 'Some people would say it's the best way to meet guys.'

Holly snorted. 'Like who? All the guys in Recon are either disgusting or my friends. And anyway, Internal Affairs wouldn't allow it. Not to mention Root. He'd probably pop an eyeball or something.' Holly rolled her own eyes.

'Hold still!' said Equette. 'And look up.' Obediently Holly stared up at her ceiling. Equette drew a swift line of dark colour under each eye.

'I get what you mean about the office relationships,' Equette admitted. 'Truth is though, I have a bit of a problem with it. I was hoping you'd found a loop hole or something.'

Luckily, at that moment Equette wasn't applying any eye makeup. If she had been it would have most definitely been ruined as Holly sat up quickly. Really quickly. Her brain was putting together a number of facts at light speed. Equette had a crush on somebody at the LEP. Centaurs were only attracted to members of their own species. There was only one other centaur at LEP headquarters.

'Foaly?' she breathed. Equette nodded. 'Oh, that is just perfect! Two centaur geniuses! Root would kill you both!'

Equette made a face. 'Yeah, right. At the moment Foaly hates me. He won't even talk to me. I think his exact wording was 'supplanter.''

Holly laughed. Equette looked vaguely offended.

'Sorry, that just sounds so much like something he would say.'

Equette shrugged. 'He drives me crazy. I want to hate him, but I just can't. Its infuriating.'

'Oh, poor Equette! Her heart wont let her be free.' Laughed Holly in an overly dramatic tone. Equette scowled.

'You laugh now, but don't forget, I control the make-up remover!'

'Good point.' Holly paused, and worked up the courage t ask the question on her mind. 'So, if he's so horrible to you, why do you like him?' she finally asked.

'Oh, I've had a bit of a crush on him for years.' Equette admitted. 'I followed all his articles, and all that. Anybody could tell he was totally brilliant. When I was offered the opportunity to work with him, I was ecstatic. And then he turned out to be so funny, and even though he hated me…' Equette trailed off with a sigh. Holly stifled a giggle. She couldn't imagine anyone EVER having a crush on Foaly, and here was a gorgeous girl completely _smitten _with him, and he had to go and hate her. It was so typical.

Having finished with Holly's face – the LEP captain had been expertly foundation-ed, powdered, eyeliner-ed, mascara-ed, lipstick-ed, eye shadow-ed and blushed – Equette moved on to Holly's hair. There really isn't a lot that you can do with an auburn crew cut, but that didn't stop Equette from trying. It helped that Holly hadn't had a haircut in a while. A long while. Actually, by Holly's standards it was positively long.

First the centaur attacked her with a brush until Holly's hair was shining. Then she took a small pink tube from her bag, along with a doll-sized comb. As she opened the tube and squeezed some of the substance inside onto the tiny comb, Holly sniffed the air and winced.

'What is that?' she asked in alarm.

'Relax. Its just washout streaks. They'll be gone as soon as you wash your hair.'

Holly had a look on her face as though she was considering doing something very desperate, so Equette quickly grabbed a lock of the elf's hair and combed the pink stuff quickly through.

'So what about you, captain? Sure you haven't got any forbidden crushes as the moment?'

Holly shrugged nonchalantly, but a slight blush was showing through her make-up. 'There might be. I don't know, really.'

'Ooh, complicated is it? Please, continue.'

Holly smiled. 'All right, but no names. I know him from work, and a relationship would definitely be forbidden.' Holly paused. 'I don't know if he's a friend…or more.'

'HA! Well, at least I'm not the only one with a craving for illicit affairs.' Equette laughed.

Silence fell after that. Equette was styling the back of Holly's hair to spike up fashionably, and Holly was looking through one of her favourite websites on her miniCOM – a comprehensive collection, explanation and history of all LEP registered weaponry.

After a while, Holly broke the comfortable silence.

'So are you going to tell Foaly?' she asked

Equette didn't answer for a while. 'I'll see,' She said finally. 'This could just be a crush or something, and that would be awkward.'

Holly nodded. She understood completely. She'd been in a similar situation, a long time ago…

'Okay, I'm done. You can look now.' Equette proclaimed proudly.

Holly got up and walked into her bedroom in trepidation. The mirror inside the door of her wardrobe revealed a familiar person. It was definitely her, but she looked…younger? Yes. But she also looked familiar. And not just because it was her face. There was an old memory of this…

And then it hit her. This was how she had looked for most of high school.

'Wow,' she exhaled softly.

'Vous fait trés jeune,' commented Equette. 'So, do you approve, mademoiselle?'

'Equette, lets just say that if this science thing doesn't work out for you, you have a definite future in the makeover profession.' Holly said dryly.

'Thanks. I've always thought I did good work.'

Holly smiled. ' That's the first remotely conceited comment you've made all night. I don't know what you see in Foaly.'

Equette shrugged and grinned. 'It must be love!'

* * *

Aww, two centaur geniuses. Adorable. 

Heh, did you see the French I slipped in there? I sucked at French. But oh well. Maybe I'll put Italian in some later chapters.

Thankyou to hollybridgetpeppermint, multiturtle and Brizo for reviewing. See you all next chapter - _Cupid's Karma_, where Cupid finally makes an appearance! About time, too. :P

* * *


	4. Cupid's Karma

**Disclaimer: **I've run out of original and sarcastic disclaimers. Lets just pretend that this would stand up in court on the odd chance that someone didn't read my other three disclaimers and decided to sue me for stealing Eoin Colfer's idea. Which everyone knows was his idea anyway, so there's not really a big risk of someone getting confused and thinking I'm a famous Irish author. Sure. Big, HUGE risk…

And such a good idea it was, too.

Anyway, I don't own Artemis Fowl and related…you know, whatever else…(insert legally acceptable words here)

* * *

**If This Isn't Love **

**Chapter Four: Cupid's Karma**

Cupid squirmed uncomfortably in his seat at the hairdressing salon.

'Hold still, Cupid!' Rosie scolded. Cupid winced again, and resisted the urge to wriggle in his seat like a three-year-old. But honestly, how was he supposed to keep still when he felt like he had a wedgie the size of Jupiter? He hadn't had his Love-Karma this bad since Elizabeth Bennet and Mr Darcy. And people thought it was fun to be him…just shoot people and watch them fall in love.

Yeah, he wished. There was a whole set of rules about how to be Cupid. All written just for him. For example, he couldn't shoot people who knew how they felt but were ignoring it. His arrows could magnify suppressed feelings of love or help people realise that they loved someone, but they didn't create love. And magnifying love that the people already knew was there was a bad idea. A very bad idea.

Generally upset love-karma caused nausea, localised heartburn, and headache for Cupid. It was caused by the close proximity of two soul-mates to each other. Although that wasn't normally all of it. Not even half of it, actually. The severity of the nausea depended on the feelings the happy lovebirds had for each other. For example, if they knew how they felt and were doing something about it, the ache became more of a fluttery feeling. That Cupid didn'tmind.But if they were ignoring it, or, say, if they thought they hated each other, the ache got extremely painful. It was rather like having a veryextreme wedgie, or an itch he couldn't scratch. And in cases like this, the persons involved knew that they liked each other but refused to admit it, and as such Cupid was forbidden to use his arrows. In cases like this, Cupid needed to handle it personally.

Great.

Cupid hadn't actually handled a case personally in over fifty years. What with all the romantic films coming out nowadays, people tended to recognise love much more easily. They also mistook other things for love much more easily, but that didn't bother Cupid at all. As long as they deluded themselves, they were happy, and he was happy. Since it wasn't really love most of the time, he didn't even get affected when they fell apart. It made his job much easier.

So this particular heartburn was an unexpected and unpleasant shock to him.

As soon as Cupid arrived home from Rosie's Hair Salon he switched on his personalised television set and tuned it to external source. Then he plugged in a thin pink wire to a special, one-of-a-kind socket in the side, and gripped the other end - a small goldglobule of glass- tightly. This television was the work of a whole team of brilliant scientists.Previously Cupid had used a pale pink, translucent crystal ball to find out about his more difficult clientele, but it was difficult to pick up detail in a sphere that was only fifteen centimetres across. So the Council had agreed to make him a device that worked in a similar way to the crystal ball, but that was considerably larger. It was an added bonus that he got a television set as well.

Cupid still kept the crystal ball around, but it was mostly for show. It was easier now that all he had to do when he wanted to observe his troublesome clients was hold onto the end of a piece of wire.Then he could just sit in an armchair andwatch them for as long as he liked. Theoretically this was an invasion of privacy, but the Council decided that Cupid could be trusted.

Although it wasn't really a reluctance to lose the Council's trust that kept Cupid from abusing the privilege of the television. The fact was that he had more interesting things to do that watch people's boring, pointless lives all day. How desperate did you need to be?

In this case, all Cupid was trying to find out who was the cause of his disruptive love-nausea. And hopefully where they were. After that he could figure out why they didn't like each other and how to make them admit their feelings.

Making them admit their feelings was the hard part. It could be tricky, because people responded to being confronted about their feelings in different ways. Sometimes it was just enough to reassure them that the feeling was requited, but sometimes Cupid needed to be a little cleverer. He'd never forget the time he'd toldfifteen-year-old PrincessMary that her crush felt the same about her and the young teen had responded by throwing a chair at him. Not that you could really blame her. She'd been having a bad year, what with her mother being poisoned and her father trying to make her desert her religion. But it was still no excuse to throw _furniture_. Especially at the messenger. Cupid had fumed for days after that incident.

As the love fairy gripped the end of the pink wire in his hand, an image formed on the screen. It was an overhead view of a complicated-looking room full of screens, keyboards, and other technical gadgets. Inside were two large figures. Either they were really fat and elongated gnomes, or they were centaurs. Cupid decided to go with the second guess. As he watched, the slightly larger centaur reached out and picked something up off the table next to him.

'Zoom in and lower,' Cupid muttered. The detail on the screen grew larger and the view moved smoothly from overhead to a shot on the same level as the centaur's eyes. From this view he could see that yes, they definitely were centaurs. He could also sense the tension in the room. Tension that felt like it could be cut with a knife. The larger centaur, presumably the male, was eating a carrot loudly, the only noise in the otherwise silent room. The other centaur, a blonde female, was working on one of the wide-screen computers. With every new, noisy bite of his carrot that the male took, she would stiffen, then hold her breath and close her eyes. Eventually – as she was about to turn blue – she would release her breath and continue working as though she hadn't paused. This continued, as Cupid watched, for around ten minutes, until the male exhausted his carrot supply. Following was total silence for around a minute. Cupid yawned. Just as he was about to give up completely and justsee if he could find a warlock to fixthe pain, the male centaur started to sigh and grunt in what must have been an extremely irritating way. Especially for the girl, who was trying to work. Cupid sympathised. No matter his nausea was so bad. This situation was all wrong. The male continued to fidgetm making as much noise moving as possible.

'D'arvit Foaly, will you be quiet! I'm trying to work,' the female growled.

Ah. So the male was called Foaly. Cupid made a mental note. He had heard of Foaly. The supposed genius of the LEP, he had headed the team that had created the special love television.

_Didn't realise he was so moody though_, Cupid mused as the famous inventor stood up and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Inside, the female put her face in her hands and groaned. After a few seconds she sat up straight again and idly opened a new window on her computer, typing something carefully.

'Zoom.' Cupid ordered. The view zoomed in on the computer screen. In tiny, elaborate font were the words 'Equette And Foaly Forever.' Cupid just managed to read it before the girl – Equette – sighed deeply and deleted the text in three swift keystrokes.

Smiling in triumph, Cupid turned off the television. Fifteen minutes of watching had told him everything he needed to know. He had a time, a place, a situation, and a plan.

He could start tomorrow.

* * *

Okay, I know I haven't replied to everyone's reviews like I normally do, but I've been busy with rearranging my exam timetable and I ran out of time. So I'll do it here. :mutters: Hate exams… 

**Brizo:** Well, I guess I sort of explained it in this chapter (trying not to give anything away) but it's a pivotal point of the story that Equette realises how she feels, so Cupid can't shoot her, and he has to come up with another way to get them together.

**Multiturtle**: you'll have to wait until Chapter Five is up to see what happens with Holly, but I promise it'll be up really soon, due to my sudden need to get away from school work and do something fun, like, say, writing fan fiction? Okay, long sentence…sorry.

**xstarlightx**: Thankyou! I hope you liked this chapter too.

**Hollybridgetpeppermint:** very soon, I promise.

**Opal:** absolutely :D

**LandUnderWave:** mmmm…there will be, but not in this chapter (obviously) and not in the next. (Sorry) However the next one will contain some romance, if not AH, so be prepared for absolute insanity.

**SILLY YOU:** I fixed it...That is very embarrassing, thank you for pointing it out. Pride and Prejudice is one of favourite books, so I testify that I read properly, just didn't check my writing properly. :P


	5. Amusement and Ammo

**Disclaimer: **Artemis Fowl and related characters do not belong to me. They are absolutely real and therefore nobody owns them except themselves.

Oops, sorry, I meanEoin Colfer owns them. But that's still not me.

* * *

**If This Isn't Love**

**Chapter Five: Amusement and Ammo**

The next day when she arrived at LEP headquarters, Holly felt terrible, and knew she probably looked worse. She'd been up past midnight – WAY past midnight – the night before, talking to Equette. And when she'd finally gotten to sleep, it had only been to wake up three hours later and realise that she was supposed to be at work an hour ago. Because of this, Holly hadn't had time to shower, or get properly ready for work. Nor had she had time to wash the pink glitter and gel out of her hair, clean her fingernails, or get all the make-up off her face. Although this could have been because she had forgotten about what Equette had done to her the night before. She hadn't looked in a mirror yet that morning, and didn't realise that the make-up had smudged she now looked like a three-year-olds Do-It-Yourself Barbie doll.

Accordingly with the fact that she was an hour and a half late for work, Holly was sneaking to her desk in the hope that Root wouldn't notice that she's just arrived. It was the first time she'd been late in two years. The last time had been the day when she was kidnapped, held to ransom, and escaped from a certain criminal genius. Since then she had considered being late a bad omen, and it hadn't happened since.

She was almost at her desk, having not yet made a single noise as she crept through the building, when a wastepaper basket materialised in front of her foot and she sent it spinning loudly into the desk of the sprite that worked across the aisle from her.

'Sorry Bill,' she whispered, wincing. Bill looked up and grinned, putting a finger to his lips. Holly nodded, and tried to pretend that most of LEP headquarters HADN'T heard the clatter of the bin. She continued trying to sneak across the tatty green carpet to her desk.

'CAPTAIN SHORT, TO MY OFFICE NOW!'

Holly winced at the announcement and stopped trying to sneak. Instead she neatened her crushed uniform as much as she could and turned to retrace her steps to Root's office. As she walked, she noticed several officers along the way stopping work and staring at her. Holly glared at back at them warningly. It wasn't _that_ weird to be late. Unfortunately, it soon became increasingly difficult to glare at them all, as more and more started to stare.

One particularly impudent – or possibly just stupid – pixie even nudged his neighbour and pointed at her, snickering. Holly fingered her buzz baton threateningly. Or she would have if she hadn't forgotten it in her rush that morning. Kicking herself mentally, Holly settled for giving the offending corporal a glare that gave him blisters. When she reached Root's office she knocked, waited a few seconds, and entered.

The commander barely looked up from his backlog of 'approval' paperwork as she came in. Hoping to head him off, Holly started talking as fast as she could. 'I know I'm late commander, and I'm sorry, it won't happen again, but I have a really good reason, I was…' she began, and then trailed off as she tried to come up with the really good reason.

'I don't frankly care why you're late, Captain.' Root interrupted Holly's mental scramble. 'I have a job for you.'

Holly's heart leapt. Finally! A recon. She felt like she was going to get rusty if she didn't have some real work soon…she stood up straight and saluted. 'Awaiting orders, sir.'

Okay, it was a dramatic response, but she didn't want to lose this job for some minor lapse in protocol.

'I want you to go to Ops and talk to that infernal centaur. Find out why _he_ isn't making any decent inventions these days. I can't keep listening to that _female _drone on about her muffin mixers' – Root kicked an oddly-shaped invention that was lying next to his desk – 'or whatever it is she's been making for one more day. I don't understand a blasted word she says. Let me know what's wrong with Foaly, and whether I need to kick some centaur behind.'

Holly's hopes dropped into her boots. 'But, sir – I thought –'

Root looked up for the first time in the duration of the meeting. 'What is it, captain?'

Holly dropped her gaze to the floor. 'Nothing sir,' she mumbled

'That's what I thought. You have the remainder of today to get back to me. But for now, I advise you to go do some paperwork.'

Holly turned towards the door. She knew a dismissal when she heard one.

'Oh, and one more thing, captain'

Holly turned back towards Root. A cloud of smoke from the cigar he had lit when she turned obscured his face.

'Yes sir?' said Holly hopefully.

'Who hit you?

Holly looked confused. 'Hit me, sir?'

'Who gave you the black eyes?' Wow, Root could even _sound_ red in the face.

Holly was really confused now. 'Black eyes, sir?' she knew she sounded like an idiot, but how was she supposed to know what Root was talking about?

'What are you, a parrot? Get out of here. And I recommend you find a mirror.'

'Yes, sir.' Holly obediently turned and left the Commander's office. On the way back to her desk she made a minor detour to the women's toilets. Inside, she checked her reflection.

'Oh gods.' She groaned. The makeup. It was…all over her face… well, yes, it was supposed to be, but not like this. For example, mascara shouldn't be halfway down her cheeks, and lipstick shouldn't be on her chin. She looked like a panda! Or, as Root had so delicately put it, like someone had given her two black eyes.

Holly cleaned off the make-up as best she could with water and paper towels. There were still traces of eyeliner left, but they were thankfully around her eyes. Unfortunately, there was nothing she could do about the nail polish and washout streaks. Holly was drying her hands on a towel when the door opened and somebody stepped into the room. Holly didn't bother to look up. She knew it was either Equette or Lili. She didn't really want to talk to Lili, but she'd love to have a few words with Equette. Actually, words were trivial matters. What she'd most like to do was to buzz the evil centaur into oblivion.

Half-hoping it was Equette – she needed to vent some frustration – Holly turned towards the door. To her shock, the person standing there wasn't Lili or Equette. It was, in fact, Wing Commander Vinyáya.

'C – c – commander!' Holly stuttered in surprise, hurrying to salute.

'Oh, don't bother dear,' Vinyáyá assured her, waving her hand down. 'A toilet is an odd place for formalities like salutes. If you salute here, what's to stop you saluting while you sleep?'

Holly couldn't help herself. The Wing Commander just had a way of making her speak her mind

'I'll bet Root makes the men salute in the toilets,' then she clapped her hand over her mouth. 'I'm sorry, Commander, I – '

'Oh, don't be sorry. Really.' Vinyáya gave Holly a lusty wink. 'You've given me a marvellous mental image.'

Holly was sure she'd misunderstood. Or at least, she _hoped_ she'd misunderstood. Choosing not to pursue that particular line of thought, Holly changed the subject. 'So…why are you here?' she asked cautiously, wondering how far Vinyáya's informality would stretch. You could never tell, as Holly had learned back at the Academy, when an officer meant something or were just saying it.

'Oh, Julius has a backlog of inventions to be approved. That new girl - Equette - seems to be having some trouble explaining them to him, so I'm going to stand in. See if I don't have a little more luck. Hopefully I'll free up some time for him.'

Holly nodded as she turned to leave the small room. Root had obviously meant it about not listening to Equette for one more day. The only question was why Wing Commander Vinyáyá was there, when there were fairies far more qualified to understand Equette, as well as far less busy.

Shrugging this off as one of those inexplicable quirks of life, Holly pushed the door.

'I guess I'll be seeing you around Headquarters then.'

Vinyáya nodded. 'Goodbye, dear.'

On the way back to her desk, Holly passed Lili walking in the opposite direction. The other girl screwed up her face as Holly passed.

'Ugh, Holly, you do know your nail polish is way out of fashion, right?'

Holly rolled her eyes and continued to her desk. It wasn't hard not to care about anything Lili said. Especially when most of the stuff she came out with was either shallow or stupid or totally irrelevant. Mostly shallow.

Unbeknownst to Holly, as she walked away from the smirking Lili she was being followed by none other than the kingpin love fairy himself, Cupid. Who incidentally was at that very moment preparing to shoot her with one of his legendary arrows. Taking aim carefully, the small, pink-clad fairy pulled back the string of his bow and released the ammo to a musical harpsichord note. Cupid rolled his eyes. Why did his job always have to be such a cliché?

Unfortunately for him, just as the arrow was released, Holly stumbled sideways. The arrow missed its target and instead hit an elf heading down the hallway in the other direction.

'Ouch.' Said Lili, rubbing her left shoulder blade.

Cupid cursed under his breath. All the shield stabilisers in the world couldn't help his aim if the target _moved._ Growling and muttering, cupid flew off to the unused office he was hiding in. this was a complication. Not a dangerous one, but it was an unnecessary factor.

Although it could be amusing. And Cupid loved to be amused.

* * *

Grub Kelp was just heading back to his desk after a forty-minute bathroom break. He'd barely been gone thirty minutes when Trouble had come to find him and drag him back to work. Trub was gone now, striding off in disgust when Grub procrastinated all the way down the hallway. For some reason, Trouble considered thirty-minute trips to the bathroom excessively long. But he just didn't understand personal grooming.

Absorbed in the midst of his sulk, Grub didn't see Lili coming until she hit him - in a rather untraditional manner. Then he could see her really well. This was because he was quite suddenly pressed against the wall of the hallway, and she was kissing him, kissing HIM! Him! Grub Kelp. D'arvit, he knew the grooming would pay off! Wait until Trouble found out about this. Lili was kissing him, kissing HIM, kissing him, kissing him, him, him…Corporal Grub Kelp was getting kissed and - HE COULDN'T BREATHE!

Grub was choking, and fighting to draw breath through his perpetually blocked nose. But there wasn't any air coming from there, and his mouth was occupied with…other matters.

'Lili!' Grub tried to interrupt. But it can be difficult to speak when you're suffocating and have someone else's tongue in your mouth.

'Lili!' Grub tried to pull his mouth away from hers, but she was holding his head in what seemed to him to be an impossibly strong grip.

Surrendering to his fate, Grub eventually stopped struggling. He supposed there were worse ways to go. Or maybe it was just oxygen deprivation making him think that. Either way, as Grub slipped out of consciousness, he could only hope that she would notice when he died and stop kissing him. Could pose some awkward questions, otherwise. And he didn't want to be remembered as the only LEP officer in history to die of…well, essentially a blocked nose and an aggressively flirtatious workmate. He could picture his death certificate now. "Death by snogging…" He could picture the sniggers during his funeral as Trouble tried to deliver a eulogy without referring to the fact that his little brother had been killed in a make out session…

Damn, he thought vaguely. So much for dying with dignity…

* * *

Luckily for Grub – or perhaps unluckily – it wasn't his day to die. Just as he was about to fade into blackness, Trouble came back to make sure that he hadn't escaped to the toilets again. The Captain actually almost passed straight by the interesting entanglement of limbs that was Lili and his dying brother, and he was several metres past them before his brain processed what he was seeing. He stopped abruptly, backtracked, and stared freely at the two. It was actually during this time, as Trouble was getting his head around the fact that this was GRUB, his grotty little brother, getting kissed by LILI FROND, the officially voted Little Miss of the LEP, that Grub passed out completely and fell to the floor. This didn't seem to put Lili off in the least, and she continued her little game of tonsil hockey without skipping a beat. 

'Hey! Get off him! You're killing him!' Trouble ran forward and – not without difficulty – managed to pull Lili off his brother. When she realised that Grub was unconscious, Lili burst into dramatic, picturesque sobs.

'Don't die, Grubby-poo, don't die!'

Rolling his eyes and simultaneously gagging inwardly at the sickly-sweet pet name - it really was unfortunate for Grub that he'd picked that name – Trouble knelt down and slapped Grub's face gently. 'Grub! Grub! Can you hear me? Open your eyes!'

Grub eventually came to, groaning. 'How - who - bu – da – wha?' he stuttered, blinking confusedly. Then he caught sight of Lili, leaning hopefully over Trouble's shoulder, and immediately started trying to run away on his hands and knees.

'GRUBBY-POO! YOU'RE ALIVE!' Lili shrieked, almost directly into Trouble's ear.

Trouble winced. Lili didn't noticed. She dived at Grub.

'NOO! Stay away from me! Help me, Trub!'

Grub managed to roll sideways on the floor as Lili jumped at him, and she instead flew headfirst into the wall behind him. Unperturbed, she got straight back up, fixed her hair, and ran after Grub, who was now sprinting down the hallway.

Trouble, wondering if the world had gone totally mental, cut his losses and shot Lili with his Neutrino 3000. Grub continued running up the deserted hallway, while Lili tumbled attractively to the ground.

Standing over her, Trouble sighed. 'Sorry Corporal. Can't have you suffocating my brother, now, can I? Family ties, and all that.'

Then he picked her up and carried her up the hallway to the infirmary - conveniently situated just fifty metres away – and dumped her unceremoniously on a spare bed. Turning to a medic, he instructed the elf to make sure that Corporal Frond didn't escape the infirmary, and left quickly with a mind to avoid questions. He was still holding on to the hope that this had all been an insane dream of some sort.

He then headed straight to the Operations booth. Not wanting to seem like an irresponsible officer, he didn't exactly want the wider part of the LEP knowing that he had shot Lili. And Foaly was not only the only one with the Neutrino shot records, he was also the only one with the power to change them.

* * *

Hmmmm, okay. That chapter was weird. And really long, for some reason. But oh well. Please review!

* * *


	6. Too Much Information

**Disclaimer: **Don't own it. Don't own any of it. I just twist it to my own evil ends.

* * *

**If This Isn't Love**

**Chapter Six: Too much Information **

Trouble stood outside the tinted glass of the Operations Booth and knocked. Gently. Foaly hated people knocking, and knocking hard was about the worst thing you could do if you wanted to be let into Ops. Except for Root, who was incapable of NOT knocking hard, but always got let in anyway. Three guesses why.

Of course, being as paranoid as he was, Foaly hadn't provided any other way except knocking for a person outside Ops to get his attention while he was concentrating, so knocking was really the only option.

A moment later Trouble heard the pneumatic hiss that meant the door was opening. Surprised, Trouble walked straight in. Foaly hadn't even tried to get his fingerprints.

Inside, Trouble came face to face with a wickedly grinning centaur.

'Something you want to tell me about a certain female corporal, Captain?' Foaly enquired slyly.

Trouble grimaced. He'd forgotten. Foaly could see everything on his million cameras around LEP headquarters. Everything.

'Yeah, about that. Do you think you could maybe…make it so that that particular shot doesn't show up on the records anymore, maybe?'

Foaly pretended to think about it for a minute.

'Well, the way I see it, the question is not could I, but will I?'

Trouble rolled his eyes. He should have seen this coming.

'A crate of carrots?' he offered

'Four.'

'Two.'

'Three'

'Two, and a bottle of turnip juice.'

'Deal.'

Trouble almost fell off his chair in surprise. That was way too easy.

'Why are you in such a good mood?' he asked suspiciously

'Oh, you know…this and that.' Foaly scrolled through the Neutrino records he'd called up, searching for a shot from Captain Kelp registered at the appropriate time. As the centaur searched, Trouble gazed at the surveillance screen. Although screen wasn't really an entirely accurate description. Surveillance _wall_ was more like it. On this wall Foaly could see every corner of LEP headquarters. At the moment almost every desk was filled with a busily writing officer. On a screen on the top right corner of the wall trouble could see the now deserted corridor where Lili had, erm, _attacked_ Grub. The mere memory made Trouble shudder. There are some things you just don't want to know. But Foaly had obviously never heard of the motif 'too much information.'

Trouble was about to turn away from the wall and examine some the other gadgets that Foaly had in there – you didn't get into Operations every day – when something on a panel on the left of the wall caught his eye. This camera showed images of Root's office where, for some reason, Wing Commander Vinyáya was standing with her hands over the LEP Commander's eyes.

* * *

When Vinyáya had finished in the toilets she had smoothed her hair, straightened her uniform, and walked off to Root's office. She hummed under her breath as she walked through LEP HQ, pleased at the thought of seeing Root, who she had long regarded as something of a hero. Certainly he was the best commander the LEP had seen in a while. 

Vinyáya was just heading past the Operations Booth, almost at Root's office, when she felt a sharp pain in her lower back. Gasping quietly at the sudden pain, Vinyáya clasped her hands over the affected area. Nothing there. And the pain was gone now, vanishing as quickly as it had come.

'Commander?' a nearby officer was looking at her with concern

'Its nothing,' Vinyáya muttered. Doubling her speed, she almost ran to Root's office. It suddenly seemed very important that she see him. More important than anything.

* * *

Root was smoking, entirely engulfed in a cloud of green smoke, when his office door opened and shut quickly. Unfortunately the noxious green atmosphere prevented him from being able to see who had entered the room. 

Not that he was worried. It was probably just Foaly coming to complain about Equette again. Well good. He could have the useless pony make him a new ventilator.

As Root put out his cigar, preparing to deliver a loud speech to the person he assumed was Foaly, a pair of hands covered his eyes from behind. Root almost jumped all the way out of his chair with surprise.

'Guess who?' said a female voice playfully. Displaying extraordinary powers of deductive reasoning, Root decided this probably wasn't Foaly.

'Holly?' he growled

'Guess again!'

'Lili? Corporal, if that's you I swear I'll –' Root struggled to come up with an appropriate threat as he tried to pry the hands form his eyes.

'Empty threat, dear. Try again.'

Root frowned. He definitely knew that voice.

'Wing commander?'

Vinyáya removed her hands to clap. Root stood and turned quickly with his own hands in a stereotypical defensive position.

'Oh, don't be silly, dear. You couldn't beat me even if I wasn't trying.' As she said this Vinyáya moved slowly closer to Root, until her face was barely an inch from his. Root leaned back onto his desk. Bad idea, as it happened. When he put his hands down, he inadvertently turned on the PA system connected to his desk. If this was any ordinary PA system, the fact that it was on wouldn't have made the slightest difference, as most PA mikes don't pick up sound unless its aimed directly at them. But Foaly's equipment was all whisper-sensitive, and therefore managed to pick up every word that Root and Vinyáya were saying. Not only that, but it simultaneously broadcast the conversation to a first confused, then amused, then vaguely embarrassed audience of LEP officers.

* * *

Trouble was not confused to hear the conversation. He was surprised, yes – Foaly's surveillance didn't pick up sound – but he wasn't confused. Coupled with the visual that was being projected crystal clear onto the wall, the sudden sounds from the previously muted conversation gave Trouble enough information to know exactly what was going on. And he found himself very quickly wishing he didn't.

* * *

'Look, Vinyáya, this is out of order –'

* * *

Whoa, blowout! Trouble cringed.

* * *

'Oh, come now Julius! Don't tell me you don't want this?' Vinyáya leaned even further forward, her voice husky.

'Be that as it – ' Root began in a high voice. He stopped, cleared his throat, and tried again.

'Be that as it may, it is highly inappropriate. You are a member of the Council and I am the Commander of the LEP! And though I'm not sure what –'

'Julius,' Vinyáya interrupted

'Yes?'

'Shut up and kiss me.'

* * *

There was a clattering sound, magnified by the PA system. At the same time Root and Vinyáyá disappeared behind Root's desk, where thankfully the camera couldn't see them. 

Foaly tapped the screen. 'D'arvit!' he muttered. Trouble stared at the centaur in amazement.

WAY too much information…

* * *

Sorry, must run...all the way to school. Please review!

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	7. The Seven Deadly Sins

**Disclaimer:** (Insert witticism here) I don't own Artemis Fowl or any related settings, references, weaponry, ideas, concepts, emotions, characters, character relationships, relationships in general, rituals, religions, thoughts, personalities, words, creatures, jobs, ranks etc etc... (Insert other witticism here)

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**If This Isn't Love **

**Chapter Seven: The Seven Deadly Sins**

Artemis Fowl II reached out a hand to take the huge emerald from its plush velvet cushion. This emerald, soon to belong to Artemis, was currently owned by Carbon Corp, a multi-national company known for its jewels and jewellery. This particular gem was the fifth of a series of seven distributed throughout the world. Collectively known as the Seven Deadly Sins, the gems were noted for their flawlessness, their lustre, their colour and their solidity. But above all, they were noted for the protection they were under from those that owned them. Not enough protection, as it turned out.

Artemis had already stolen the first four gems – a ruby known as Wrath, an amethystnamed Pride, a diamond named Gluttony, and a sapphirecalled Avarice. The gem he was about to take was Envy, a pigeon's-egg-sized emerald.

It had taken weeks of preparation to get to this stage. After trawling through endless piles of information on Carbon Corp's hard drive, Artemis had discovered that the Director had taken several company-funded trips to Disneyland, Florida. Any other person might have dismissed this as the actions of an immoral man in the middle of a mid-life crisis, but Artemis Fowl was not any other person. He was a criminal genius, and geniuses didn't dismiss anomalies.

On a hunch, Artemis had looked up the original blueprints of Disneyland on the Internet, and had found several key sections missing; most notably the structural plans for many of the larger rides. Artemis had immediately flown to Florida in order to take his own scans of the omitted rides. Using a special x-ray camera that he had invented, Artemis had taken pictures of all the rides in a methodical order, not entirely sure what he was looking for, but all the same positive that he would know it when he saw it. Slowly he had narrowed it down from five rides, to four, to three, to two, to one.Which was why Artemis was in the part of Disneyland that most people never got to see.

The inner complex of Space Mountain.

And quite a complex it was, too. Far from being the dingy maintenance hallways one might expect from the look of the entrance and exit doors, the hallways were bright white, sterile and shiny. Luckily for Artemis, however, there were no cameras. Or at least none worth worrying about. The few that he had seen were pointed in entirely the wrong direction. Artemis was starting to think that this whole thing might be somebody's lame idea of a joke, and that the hallways were only there for twisted reasons known only to the Disney Corporation, when he opened a door and found exactly what he was looking for. He was in a room that was lit so brightly that Artemis was almost blinded. He couldn't make out any of the details of the room apart from the dim silhouette of something sitting in the centre of the room. Pulling out a pair of sunglasses, Artemis fitted the frames over his face. He wasn't sure what possessed him to carry sunglasses with him wherever he went, except that he always felt…exposed without them. Perhaps it was an esteem thing. Making a mental note to psychoanalyse himself when he got back to the manor, Artemis studied the room from the doorway. The sunglasses were exactly what he needed – he could see everything. The room was about four metres by four metres, perfectly square, and with a white pedestal in the middle. On the pedestal was a white cushion, on the cushion was a bright green emerald, and focused on the emerald were eight surveillance cameras.

Artemis could also see the motion sensors built into the pedestal, as well as the well-disguised but still visible wire running beneath the cushion that the emerald was sitting on. Apparently a booby trap for whoever took the emerald. Probably a small bomb. It was risky, putting the bomb under the emerald, but then, it had probably been designed not to go off until several seconds after the emerald was taken. It would knock out the thief, leaving the emerald unharmed and still in the company's possession. Unfortunately, somebody hadn't hidden the wires properly. Which wouldn't have made a difference if the lights had been doing their job – that is, if Artemis hadn't been wearing the sunglasses. By design, the wires were all as white as the cushion, and therefore would have been impossible to see through the man-made glare. But the fact was that Artemis WAS wearing the sunglasses, and could see perfectly.

He also knew exactly what to do. He'd planned for this. It was an unusual plan for Artemis, in allowance from the limited information that the genius had been able to gather about the security the emerald was under. It was extremely flexible, unlike most of his other schemes.

But he'd anticipated everything he saw. He'd anticipated more, actually. But obviously the hype stirred up about the protection the emerald received had been just that – hype. An elaborate hoax to try to put people off stealing it.

Artemis pulled a small sphere from his pocket. To the casual observer it would look like an interestingly shaped MP3 player – and it was, in part – but it was so much more.

Artemis pressed a button on the sphere and rolled it carefully into the room. It stopped as it clinked gently against the bottom of the pedestal. Artemis held his breath. 5…4…3…2…1…

There was a tiny pop, and the red lights on the cameras winked out, as did the glaring lights from the ceiling. Even the motion sensors and the bomb would be knocked out, their electron flow interrupted. Several of the overhead bulbs actually exploded, but fibreglass sheets stretched over their cavities contained the reactions. Artemis smiled. Perfect.

Now, for those of you who don't understand the brilliant simplicity of what Artemis had done, I will now attempt to explain it. Of course, mediocre minds such as ours cannot hope to comprehend the true brilliance that had gone into this plan, but I'm sure that you will appreciate it all the same.

The sphere was, in fact, a 'pulse generator,' invented by Artemis for just this purpose. When he initialised the countdown it had been preparing to release an electromagnetic pulse, which had interrupted the flow of electrons to all electronic devices in the general vicinity. Actually, it was only for a radius of around ten metres from the device. It was harmless to people, and it would destroy any devices that were powered by external sources. Of course, if the device drew power from a battery, all it would need was a reboot. Totally harmless. And it gave Artemis the definite advantage of being the only person within a ten-metre radius who had any light. It wasn't exactly subtle, but it was effective. The video cameras were gone, the booby trap was shorted out, and the motion sensor was dead. It was too easy. Unfortunately, it meant there was limited time for Artemis to get in and out. It probably wouldn't be long until somebody realised that video cameras are not supposed to just turn themselves off. At least not all at the same time.

Unsurprisingly, the military were clamouring to get their hands on this little device. Not that Artemis planned to sell. True, it was a potential threat to international security, with the power to knock out all communication and power in the world, but Artemis didn't plan to let it fall into hands that would take advantage of it such a destructive way. No, better that he hold onto the idea and use it for his own ends.

Pulling a torch out of his pocket, Artemis unscrewed the battery cavity and inserted the 1.5-volt batteries that he had stored in a separate pocket. He reattached the top of the torch and switched it on.

Artemis almost chuckled with glee at that stage, but stopped himself quickly. This was no time for frivolity. He removed his sunglasses – they weren't really much help any longer – and walked calmly into the darkened room. He retrieved his sphere from the floor, tucking it back into his pocket. Then he picked up the emerald, studied it in the light of his torch, slipped it into his other pocket and left the room.

The immediate area around the room had no light, but a few metres down the hallway all the electricity was perfectly functional. Turning off the light and slipping the torch into the pocket with the pulse generator, Artemis found his way easily out the maze of hallways and exited through the ordinary ride exit.

Outside, Juliet met him immediately and positioned herself on Artemis' right, glaring at anyone who came too close.

'Are we staying any longer?' she asked after the pair had been walking in silence for around a minute. It seemed a straightforward question, but Artemis immediately caught the hidden meaning.

'No, Juliet. I think its time we left. I simply cannot stand these uncouth_tourists_ a moment longer.' Artemis eyed a large, sunburnt man dressed stereotypically in Hawaiian print shorts and shirt.

Juliet would have grinned, but at that moment a group of giggling girls with ice cream cones walked past, and she was too busy glaring daggers at them.

Neither of themspoke again until they reached a hired Alpha Romeo in the car park, Butler sitting at the wheel.

'Not too difficult, I hope?' asked Butler as Artemis sat down.

Artemis smiled a characteristic vampire smile. 'Not for me.'

No, Butler thought to himself, turning back to the wheel.Nothing ever is.

* * *

Artemis managed to wait until the drive back to the manor house before he could examine the emerald more closely. This was more difficult than it sounds. First he had to get through the drive from Disneyland to the Los Angeles international terminal, then he had to put up with a flight to Heathrow, made all the worse by an insufferably cheerful flight attendant, and then yet another flight from Heathrow to Ireland. On the second flight the attendant only bothered him once, and afterwards did her best to stay away from the section of the plane holding Artemis and the Butler siblings. 

At the airport, Butler retrieved the luggage, leaving Artemis and Juliet to have a short cup of tea, and then met his employer out the front of the terminal with the Fowl Bentley. Artemis tried to resist the urge to finger the emerald in his pocket. Nevertheless, Juliet had fallen asleep by the time Butler steered the car onto a sufficiently deserted road for Artemis to take out the emerald. After a few moments study with a magnifying glass, Artemis could verify that this was, indeed, one of the Seven Deadly Sins. There was no mistaking the size and flawlessness of the jewel.

Pressing a button on the door of the car, Artemis retrieved a wooden box from its secret compartment in the roof. This box had been specially prepared for the emerald, and was complete with a six-digit combination lock and a velveteen pillow. Artemis was just placing the emerald inside, preparing to close the lid, when he noticed that the car was drifting slowly but surely off the side of the road. Stowing the box very quickly and rather unceremoniously in its compartment, Artemis rapped on the glass between him and Butler.

'Butler?'

No answer.

'Butler? Artemis buzzed the glass down and checked the rear-view mirror, which conveniently gave him a perfect view of Butler's face. There he came upon an unpleasant surprise. Butler was asleep. Not good. Butler would never fall asleep on the job, and especially not while driving. Come to think of it, neither would Juliet. She had been jumping with energy on the plane. But before even Artemis' brain could put these facts together, a wave of exhaustion hit the young genius. His eyes started to close of their own accord. Trying to fight the drowsiness, Artemis opened the compartment in the roof again, retrieved the box, and tried to focus on the combination.

3…8…0 no, 10…..no, 11?

It was no good. Artemis felt himself fading into a deep sleep, and knew that there was no way it was natural.

Neither he, Julietor Butler woke as the car left the bitumen and flew into the ditch beside the road.

* * *

Hey-hey! Well, this is a bit different to my other chapters, isn't it? I suppose it's almost got its own story. I could even write a sequel-like thing, about Artemis' search for the Seven Deadly Sins. 

Or maybe not.

Anyway, I'm going to reply to reviews here, because…I'm lazy. I'll do chapter five as well, because I kinda forgot about those ones. :is ashamed:

**Chapter Five: **

**xstarlightx: **thankyou. I try to be funny, but sometimes it just comes out lame.Happily this doesn't seem to have been one of those times. I'm glad you appreciate the updating, too. It makes spending all my study time writing this worth it. :D

**koru-chan:** well, strange is me. There's no denying it, I'm afraid.

**hollybridgetpeppermint**: yahey! I am funny! I will continue to update, don't worry.

**crystalocean**: I agree, sometimes originality can be overrated. I will continue!

**wolfheart dragonwing**: glad you liked it. Promising is good, right? Right.

**Chapter Six: **

**koru-chan**: no! don't die! Keep reading! Sorry, couldn't resist. I guess your comment means I'm still funny, lol. Thankyou!

**multiturtle:** well, I find it impossible to view my own writing in retrospect, so I'll have to take your word for it. Sorry about that. But Cupid hasn't gone insane. Oh, no. Its much worse than that. MWAHAHAHAHA!….sorry….

**LandUnderWave:** yeah, Vinyáya was difficult to write because I don't know anything about her. Heh, if only Root would listen to Foaly's lectures about his equipment.

**The Renagade:** glad you liked it! I like it that people laugh at me…HollyxArty will be here soon. Probably not soon enough though. Even I feel like its taking forever to get there. Should be in Chapter Eight though…some of it, anyway.

**Susanna Anna Hannah Potter:** Thankyou for laughing. Laughing is good exercise…its like jogging on the inside…

Anyways, it will be HollyxArty, I PROMISE. Just not quite yet. But I AM getting there. Slowly…

And indeed, I did get Equette's name from the Latin. I don't know if centaur names have to be horsy like Foaly, but I figured why not?

**The-girl-with-a-vampire's-smile**: thankyou. I hope it'll stay excellent. And I promise to keep updating if you keep reading, lol.

**Blonde-Titch**: wow, yeah, that's a huge compliment. Thankyou!

**strider-mystic**: well, next chapter is here, lol. Thanks.

**almostinsane: **maybe I should change the rating…I don't think it'll get un-childsafe though. Mostly just kissing. Its love, not lust, lol.

Heh, alliteration….

Okay, well thankyou everyone for reviewing! If you didn't review…well, I guess I didn't thank you. But thankyou for reading.

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	8. Headache

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

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**If This Isn't Love**

**Chapter Eight: Headache**

Artemis woke up with a blinding headache. Bracing himself for the pain, he cracked one eye open. Then he quickly closed it again. It seemed that in the time that he'd been sleeping he'd become colour-blind. Because nobody would paint a room that colour on purpose.

Artemis opened his eyes again and struggled to hold a hand in front of his face. The effort made his head pound worse than ever. He certainly wouldn't be walking for a while. But it was worth it to know he wasn't suddenly colour-blind. His hand looked the same as usual. Pale almost to the point of being translucent, well manicured and clean.

But behind his hand the ceiling of the room was the same lime green colour. Hand: normal. Ceiling: impossible shade of green. Hand: normal. Ceiling: impossible shade of green. Eventually Artemis was forced to accept that somebody had indeed painted the room that colour on purpose. The thought was mind-boggling, particularly to Artemis' already pounding head.

Eventually it occurred to Artemis to wander what was going on. The last thing he remembered, he was driving along a road and he was holding a huge emerald. And now, he had apparently been knocked out without anybody noticing and had been dragged all the way to LEP headquarters.

Artemis sat up at a surprising speed, considering that only a few seconds ago he had found lifting a hand difficult. The room spun sickeningly.

The LEP?

A door opened. Artemis stared. He hadn't noticed a door there. The reason being, of course, that it was painted exactly the same colour as the rest of the room, which happened to still be spinning.

But Artemis wasn't interested in the décor anymore. He was more interested in the small figure that had stepped into the room. She was female, and dressed in a uniform that was – surprise, surprise – the same colour as the walls. But the uniform didn't fascinate Artemis nearly as much as the person in it. She was barely a metre tall, but she had the proportions of an adult, not a child. Her ears were pointed, and her eyes were large, almond shaped and hazel.

Yes, this was all fascinating, but what surprised Artemis was that none of this was surprising to him. It seemed perfectly reasonable that Holly should be here.

Holly?

'Holly?'

In the Operations Booth Foaly made a note to himself. He pulled some paper from a drawer – paper, would you believe? Equette just HAD to use all the computer space and not leave a single byte of space for him to record his infinite successes on. It was just plain selfishness.

Foaly sulkily scribbled a note under the heading Result:

_Memory re-insertion successful._

Holly scowled. 'That's Captain Short to you, Mud Boy.'

'Holly. What's going on?'

'So how are you feeling, Arty?'

Artemis twitched.

'I've been fine myself. Foaly is good as well. Julius is not so good. We think he may be suffering from temporary insanity, actually –'

'Holly, what's going on?'

'– but he's better than Grub. He was nearly suffocated. And Wing Commander Vinyáya – she's a member of the Council, if you didn't know – has gone even more insane than Julius. Lili is about as bad as Vinyáyá, but slightly more violent.'

'Holly,_ what's going on?'_

'I'm telling you Artemis. We don't know. We're at a loss. There is no precedent for this. The Commander of the LEP has just been compromised in what has to be the most humiliating way possible. Trouble is in command now, and it was him who came up with the idea of bringing you in. So you better be able to help.'

'Holly, I don't even know what – '

'Foaly figured out a way to re-insert memories. You remember the mind-wipe now, right? A re-insertion has never been attempted before. There's never been a reason. We didn't know what could happen. But you seem fine. Does your mind feel broken, at all?'

'I have a headache, that is all. Am I to assume that you are responsible for tranquillising myself and my associates?'

Holly grinned remorselessly. 'That was the funnest part. Foaly even let me press the button.'

Artemis winced at her grammar. 'Honestly, Holly. 'Funnest' is not a word. And I hardly think that tranquillising someone whilst they are driving should have been fun. Deadly, perhaps.'

Holly rolled her eyes. 'Oh come on. Retrieval was watching the entire time. You were healed in no time. And it isn't our fault you were driving. This is emergency. We're hardly going to wait for a time that's convenient for you.'

Artemis stood up and immediately regretted it. He clutched his head and groaned.

'All right, I understand that its important. But I still don't understand what the problem is. And I doubt that even I can concoct the solution to a problem without knowing the problem. I could try, but –'

'Oh, yes Mud Boy. We all know you're brilliant. You'd just better have a solution.'

Artemis smiled. The characteristic vampire smile.

'Oh, trust me. I'll come up with a solution.'

Holly snorted. 'Trust you? That'll be the day.' She tapped her chin in mock thought. 'Yeah, for some reason I don't really think you're the most – ' but Holly's sarcasm was cut off by what Artemis felt was an excessively loud announcement over the PA.

'Holly, bring Mud Boy to VR–1. He can watch the footage.'

Artemis winced at the volume of the voice. 'Headache!' he protested to nobody in particular.

'Yeah, suck it up, Mud Boy. Four years of memories trying to sort themselves out in your head is not going to be pleasant.'

Artemis didn't even bother to ask how Foaly knew what he'd said. He just resigned himself to his fate.

Turning to Holly, he motioned towards the door and gave a sarcastic, old-fashioned bow.

'Lead on.'

Holly smiled. But not a happy-glittery-perky smile. More like a predator smile. A vengeful smile.

'Certainly.' Walking behind Artemis' bowing form, Holly drew her gun and poked it into the space behind the boy's knees. Okay, so maybe there were some advantages to being a metre tall. The Irish prodigy fell gracelessly to the floor. As he got up, somebody who knew him very well might just have been able to see the slight red tinge in his normally colourless cheeks.

Holly, fortunately, had her back turned.

'Hurry up, Mud Boy!' she cackled. 'Wouldn't want you getting lost, now, would we?'

Artemis couldn't believe what had just happened. He'd barely been awake for five minutes and he'd been assaulted, and forced – possible tricked – into helping to find a solution to a problem that he didn't even know. Surely this was a dream?

Then his head gave a particularly nasty throb, and Artemis grimaced. Nope, not a dream.

That would be too much to hope for.

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Okay, I know that was crappy and short and achieved nothing, but my thriving social life intervened again. :rolleyes: Not. I'm studying, and this is honestly the first chance I've had to update. Sorry. Review?

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	9. Cupid's Intervention

**Disclaimer: **How much do you suppose I would have to pay to own Artemis Fowl?

Probably more than I've got. Therefore I don't own it.

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**If This Isn't Love**

**Chapter Nine: Cupid's Intervention**

In a few minutes, Artemis and Holly arrived at the viewing room. Butler and Juliet were already there, as were Trouble and Foaly. All three humans should have been nursing headaches, but typically of Juliet and Butler, neither of them gave any indication of pain.

Trouble was in the middle of an arm wrestle with Juliet, who despite her larger size seemed to be having some difficulty winning. Their hands were clasped so tightly around each other their knuckles were white. Artemis shuddered to think of the damage such unruly behaviour would cause to his hands. They were not made to be snatched or squeezed. They were made for…holding a paintbrush, and playing the piano.

Foaly appeared to be sulking about something, and the reason soon became apparent. There was a centaur behind him that Artemis had never seen before. She smiled as he walked in, a look that Artemis returned with a cold, still gaze. The smile faded for a moment, then lit up again as Holly walked in.

'Holly! How are you? Recovered from last night yet?'

Holly rolled her eyes. 'Equette. I'm not talking to you.'

Equette looked upset. 'Why not?'

'Because it's your fault I came to work this morning with mascara smudged half-way down my cheeks.' Holly scowled, feeling her cheeks grow hot at the memory.

Equette giggled. 'Oh, Holly! You didn't!'

Holly just glared at her.

'You know, you really should check your reflection for things like that before you go out in the morning.' Juliet had looked up from her arm wrestle. Trouble took the opportunity to force her arm to the table. Juliet took that opportunity to tip his chair over with her foot. Trouble tumbled to the ground while Juliet stood up and joined Equette and Holly. Holly was making her excuse. 'I was in a hurry. Thanks to Equette I was an hour late for work.'

Juliet turned to Equette. 'Defence?' she asked.

'We were at a sleepover. She wanted to go to bed at ten o'clock.'

Juliet looked outraged. She turned to Holly with an incredulous expression on her face.

'Defence?'

Holly shrugged. 'I had work?' she tried pathetically.

Foaly chose that particular moment to interrupt, leaning over and whispering in Holly's ear. 'Holly, could I have a word? _Outside?_'

Holly turned around, noticing Foaly there for the first time. 'Outside? Sure.' Leaving Equette and Juliet, who were suddenly arguing about the advantages of glitter mascara, she followed Foaly into the hall.

'What's going on here? Why are you talking to the supplanter?'

Holly looked at him in surprise. 'Who, Equette? She's not so bad, Foaly. You should try talking to her instead of just hating her.'

'I do not hate her! I just think she's useless!'

Holly snorted. 'Yeah, useless enough to make inventions faster than you.'

Foaly sulked, adjusting his tinfoil hat to buy time. He eventually muttered something about inventors block that Holly didn't even try to understand.

'Don't make excuses, centaur. She's every bit as good as you and you know it.'

Foaly didn't dignify that with a response. Having had enough, he stomped back into the viewing room in the worst mood he'd been in all week. Which was saying something, when you think about it. Especially as Julius was out of commission.

* * *

Foaly clopped back into the room, closely followed by Holly,and immediately played the surveillance tapes of the...er...incidents. First he showed Lili's attack on Grub, then the incident in Root's office, complete with recorded PA announcement. 

Juliet watched the video with a vague expression of disgust on her face, while Butler smiled mistily the whole time. Artemis watched with interest. When the video of Root and Vinyáya froze, there was silence. Artemis turned to Holly.

'Am I to assume that this is not normal behaviour?'

Holly cuffed him open-handed of the side of the head. 'Good guess, genius.'

Artemis scowled and rubbed his head. 'Violence is not the way, Holly,' he said, smirking.

Butler looked confused. 'What's the problem here, anyway? They're just in love. Its romantic.'

Artemis shook his head. 'I think I know the problem.' He tapped the screen with a slim, tapered finger. 'Its Cupid.'

Butler smiled and nodded contentedly. 'Yes, young love. So romantic.'

'No,' Artemis frowned. 'Not love. Cupid.'

'There's a difference?'

'Certainly there is a difference. What you see here – ' he pointed at the screen ' – is an escalation of love. These are relationships that probably wouldn't exist without intervention. In this case, Cupid's intervention.'

Artemis gazed around at all the people gathered, trying to impress upon them the significance of what he'd just told them. Six blank faces stared back at him. One of them silently mouthed the word 'what?' Artemis sighed.

'All right… Do we agree that love is a very strong emotion, usually characterised by hugging, kissing, and feelings for another person? Or oneself, I suppose.'

Six heads nodded mutely. Artemis continued. 'Well, it makes sense to extrapolate that while you can love someone, that doesn't necessarily make you in love with them. Do we agree?'

No answer. Artemis took it for agreement.

'Okay. Well what you have here is people in love, but they shouldn't be. Or perhaps they should – that's a question of fate and destiny, I suppose, which is really all academic. That's not our focus. Our focus is this distortion – ' Artemis pointed at the screen ' – between love, and being _in_ love.'

The faces were blank again. Butler spoke for all of them.

'Artemis…'

Artemis sighed. 'Would you like the easy version?'

Rapid nods.

'Cupid is here, in LEP headquarters, and he is shooting people. He's basically making them fall in love.' The babble of conversation following this declaration almost overpowered Artemis, but he held up a hand.

'Listen, please. There is obviously a reason that he is here. I doubt that Cupid simply flies around and picks targets at random. I think that perhaps…there may be some sort of emotional imbalance here – the emotion being love.'

Holly shook her head. It couldn't be…

Foaly shook his head. 'It can't be!'

Artemis gazed at the centaur implacably. 'And why not?'

'Because,' Foaly began in a condescending voice, '_somebody_ would have noticed a little man flying around the LEP with a crossbow. Me, for one. Even if he shielded, my cameras could pick him up.'

Artemis nodded. 'Perhaps. But you must consider – Cupid has a highly unique job. It seems likely that he would possess highly unique talents to assist him. Perhaps even a stronger shield than most fairies, making your cameras obsolete.'

Foaly pouted. His self-esteem had already taken quite a beating, without a Mud Boy insulting his inventions.

'In addition,' Artemis continued, mindless of Foaly's mood, 'I sincerely doubt that Cupid looks that much different to most elves or sprites. For all that he is a love fairy, he is still simply a fairy.'

'He's right.' Holly took this as her cue to join the conversation.

'Of course I am,' Artemis smiled.

'Cupid looks like an ordinary fairy. Actually, he a looks a bit like me.'

'Like you?' Trouble raised an eyebrow. 'How do you know?'

Holly shrugged. 'He's my great-grandfather. My father's mother's father. But don't think that it'll carry any weight. I haven't even spoken to him since I was twenty. He probably wouldn't even recognise me.'

'Right.' Trouble absorbed these facts in the same way that he did everything else: without understanding why, but calculating exactly what the consequences could be. He turned to Artemis. 'So what do we do?'

Artemis shrugged. 'I don't know.'

'What do you mean, you don't know?'

Artemis gazed calmly at Trouble's inflamed face. The Captain seemed to be borrowing a page from Root's book.

'I haven't had time to formulate a solution.'

Trouble rolled his eyes. 'That's just great, Mud Boy. You've got nothing at all to offer?'

Artemis made a noncommittal movement. 'The only thing I would advise, Captain, is extreme caution. There is an inherent risk that Cupid may shoot any of us.'

Trouble nodded his unwilling understanding, andstomped out ofthe room. He considered announcing the danger to the LEP, but there was really nothing to warn them about. How do you tell people to watch out for something that they can't see?

Butler and Juliet were led out of the room by Foaly and Equette, presumably to be prepped for some sort of security job. Even Cupid might think twice about taking on somebody the size of Butler. As for Juliet…well, she was like an iceberg – eighty percent of what she could offer was under a glittery, ditzy surface. And Juliet had learned time and time again that underestimation could be her greatest strength. This Cupid sleaze would be begging to undo the damage he'd caused once she got through with him. That was, if she could find him.

Holly stood, stretched, and prepared to leave. She had a Rubik's cube to puzzle over. As far as she was concerned, there was nothing they could do about this Cupid thing. He'd leave when he was done, and not before.

'Holly,' Artemis touched her arm gently. Holly looked up in surprise. For a moment she caught his eyes and she could have sworn she saw fearin them. But a nanosecond later it was gone, replaced by the characteristic coldness.

'Holly, I really think you should be careful. There's only you and Juliet for girls left in the LEP now, everyone else is male. Think about it…'

Holly grinned toothily. 'Don't worry, Fowl. I can handle a little male attention.' She drew her gun matter-of-factly. Artemis gulped.

'Yes…I'm sure you can…' following the gun with his eyes, Artemis decided it would be wise to shut up just then.

'Gee Artemis. You weren't _worried_ about me, were you?'

Artemis swallowed again. 'No… I merely feel some concern for your workmates. If, for some reason, they happened to – if, that is to say – if they, perhaps…'

'Came onto me?' Holly supplied dryly.

Artemis nodded. 'Uh, yes. If such a thing were to happen, I wouldn't wish for any of them to beshot –'

Holly's eyes narrowed. 'Just thinking about my workmates, are you? Thanks a lot, Artemis.'Holstering her gun, she stalked out of the room. She was halfway down the hallway when Artemis called out to her.

'Holly! Look, I didn't mean t–'

Holly spun around, glaring at him. Artemis sighed.

'Be careful.'

Hewatched her walk away, his brain wondering why it was that he was so afraid to see what Cupid could do to her love life.

* * *

Yay, another chapter done. This means I can finally focus totally on my Chemistry revision. Doesn't that sound like infinitely more amounts of fun than writing fanfiction? 

No, it doesn't sound like that to me either.

I just realised I've stopped responding to reviews. Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry! I kept forgetting...oh well. Thanks for reviewing, everyone!

And and to explain what happened in the last chapter - Butler, Artemis and Juliet all had Seeker-sleepers, and that's how Holly knocked them out. Sorry, I should have made that clearer...

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	10. Scheming

**Disclaimer: **Blahblahblah - Don't own it - blahblahblah.

* * *

**If This Isn't Love **

**Chapter Ten: Scheming

* * *

**

Cupid was scheming. Not something that he did often, but he had an inherent talent for it. Some people simply revel in exploiting any and all situations for personal gain. Artemis Fowl was one of these people, as were most of the Fowls to date. Believe it or not, Cupid was another. Not that he thought of it quite like that. He preferred the term 'opportunist' to 'exploiter.' And anyway, in this case, it wasn't so much his personal gain as his personal amusement. He wasn't after money, or love – I mean, he was _the_ love fairy – he wasn't out to extort anyone. He just wanted something that he could look back on when he was sitting at home bored, and be able to laugh.

His scheming went something along the lines of figuring out a way that he could make all hell break loose at LEP headquarters. If the way was legal, that was a bonus, but Cupid actually wasn't much concerned with the law. He was only concerned with achieving his immediate goal. His goal, of course, being to get every officer in the LEP professing their sincere love to those who they happened to sincerely love.

Of course, legally Cupid really shouldn't just shoot any old person. Legally, there should be some sort of reason, generally a good one, to shoot somebody. Legally, Cupid had to fill out all kinds of paperwork before he could even go near someone with his arrows.

Nowadays people tended to complain when Cupid chose to interfere with what he thought of as their pathetic love lives. They thought it was an invasion of privacy. So if there was any interfering to be done, it needed to be backed up by weeks of paperwork, complex records and some solid reasons for his actions. Just in case of an enquiry.

But, as Cupid had to explain time and time again, he couldn't help it. It was his job. By some inexplicable quirk of fate or destiny, he was linked to every person on the planet who knew how to love. And they thought they were annoyed when he spiced up their personal lives…they should try sitting at home and feeling the guilt of every adulterer, every bride- and groom-to-be, every bloody teenager with hormones running wild who were trying to decide whether to ask Cindy Crawford to the Formal…

So, all in all, Cupid felt that he deserved a little fun. Getting caught didn't worry him unduly. This was partly because even though he would be bending the rules slightly, it was all for a legitimate reason and therefore perfectly - if not technically - legal, and also because the Council was always on his side in matters like these. Not that they had a choice. Not unless they wanted their crush in the evening edition of the Haven Herald. It might have been morally unsound, stooping to blackmail like that, but it was effective. And it was one of the only advantages to being a love fairy.

Although he supposed Vinyáya was out for the count in terms of blackmail material now, her secret love having been rather embarrassingly revealed…but there were still six members of the Council left, and they could easily overrule any objections Vinyáya might have had. If she'd been in any condition to make objections. Which, she wasn't.

Having figured out his defence, Cupid chuckled quietly to himself and took to the air again. It was time to shoot some fairy behind.

* * *

Holly walked into the main office area of the LEPrecon Department to see a sight that she'd never before seen. They were using hand-held communicators. Nothing particularly unusual about that, unless you count vague surprise that the Recon jocks actually possessed the brain power to make the communicators work. But they were all using the communicators. Every single one of them. Holly stared. Was this some kind of joke? There were babbling conversations erupting from every corner of the office, as though there were some kind of emergency. But what kind of emergency would require every single officer talking into separate communicators?

As Holly made her way towards her cubicle, she could have sworn she heard the words 'I love you' repeated at least a dozen times. But that wasn't possible. Personal calls were forbidden from the LEP.

That was when Holly felt it. A sharp pain between her shoulder blades, reminiscent of the time she'd accidentally backed into a particularly sharp wall hook during her basic training. But unlike the hook, this pain vanished in only a few seconds. Holly reached over her shoulder and ran a hand over her back. Nothing there. That was odd. She could have sworn she felt something impact with her back…

Holly blanched as she slowly realised what had happened. Cupid. He was here. And he'd shot her.

Taking a deep breath, Holly tried to calm down. But she knew it was useless. Cupid never failed, Cupid never missed. The entire LEP was about to find out precisely who Holly Short was in love with. And the truth was, Holly Short was about to find out too.

She hadn't been entirely honest with Equette. No, that wasn't true. She had simply…excluded certain facts. Holly thought back to what she'd said the night before. It already felt like weeks ago.

_'I know him from work, and a relationship would definitely be forbidden…' _

The truth was, there were two men in Holly's life fitting this description, and she thought she might like both of them as more than friends. But she obviously could only really LOVE one of them. And she was about to find out which one it was.

Juliet was spinning idly from side to side in a standard-issue LEP office chair – designed to be uncomfortable, cheap, and tacky. She was waiting inside a secretary's cubicle – void of its usual occupant – hoping to catch a glimpse of a telltale shimmer in the air somewhere. It was a waste of time, as far as Juliet was concerned. Cupid hadn't hurt anyone, and if what she understood from Artemis' little lecture was true, even the fairies couldn't see Cupid. And if the fairy people were helpless when it came to sight, what chance did an eighteen-year-old girl have?

Butler was standing a few metres up the main hallway, stationed just inside the doors that led to Police Plaza. Foaly had decided that allowing the public to get a glimpse of the giant Mud Man would be bad idea, So there was absolutely no going outside. But from his position, Butler could ensure that Cupid remained inside the Headquarters. At least while he was contained there was a chance that Cupid could be detained for questioning. If he got out into Haven…well, there was nothing anyone could do. Not Artemis, not Butler, not even the LEP.

Tired of spinning and bored with looking for something she wouldn't be able to see if it danced in front of her, Juliet stood and left her cubicle. She was in the middle of the fifteen-metre walk to visit Butler and see how he was doing, when she felt it. A sharp, intense pain in her left forearm. It vanished quickly, but Juliet knew what had happened. Figuring she had maybe ten seconds before extreme amounts of endorphins flooded her system, Juliet did the only thing she could.

Butler looked up to see his little sister sprinting up the hallway towards him.

'Butler, I need you to restrain me.'

'What?'

Butler had seen and heard all kinds of insane things in his life, but those words coming out of his sister's mouth had to make it onto the top five. Up along with Artemis announcing that fairies existed, and the sight of Mulch Diggums disappearing into the desecrated floor of the wine cellar at Fowl Manor.

'Right now,' Juliet looked insistent. 'And whatever I do or say, don't you _dare_ let me free.'

Butler hesitated. Bad idea. Juliet may have learned everything from him, but she wasn't technically fifty years old, and she had creativity on her side.

'Listen Dom. If you don't tie me up right now, I swear when this is over I will throw you into the foulest river system I can find. You know I'll do it.'

Butler stared straight into his sister's stony expression.

'What happened?' he asked.

'He shot me.' Juliet stated simply. That was all Butler needed to hear. He understood Juliet's need for independence. Coming onto a guy – any guy – was a situation that would be totally humiliating for her.

In the end, he didn't need to do any tying. Not that he had any rope anyway. He simply picked her up, carried her to the cubicle she was supposed to be guarding from, and left her there. On the way out he locked the door, first making sure there was no way of unlocking it from the inside. Even as he slammed and locked the door he could hear Juliet yelling some sort of name. Unfortunately, her being on the other side of a steel-reinforced door meant that he couldn't understand the word.

Butler looked around, a deadly look in his eyes. If Artemis had been there, he might have recognised the look. It was the same look that Butler had given him after he had tranquillised himself, Butler and Juliet. It was a look that plainly warned doom upon the person who had harmed his baby sister. In this case, Cupid.

It was at this point that Cupid was marking Butler as his next vi- er, target. But as he was about to release the arrow into Butler's back, the bodyguard turned around, and his merciless eyes seemed to stare right through the fairy. Even though Cupid knew the Mud Man couldn't see him, he still shivered. He decided – very quickly – that shooting this particular person was unnecessary. An image of yourself broken into several pieces can have that effect.

* * *

I'm sorrysorrysorry! I know this took ages, and I don't have an excuse that doesn't sound totally lame. Please forgive me, I'll try to do better. Review?

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	11. Complications

**Disclaimer: **I have a dream that one day I will rise up and claim Artemis Fowl as mine. Until then, it is owned completely by Eoin Colfer. Who, obviously, isn't me. And I don't own the beginning of the disclaimer either. That belongs to Martin Luther King.

* * *

**If This Isn't Love**

**Chapter Eleven: Complications**

Artemis had requested the use of one of Foaly's computers in order to conduct some research into Cupid's motives and possibly his weaknesses, but the request had been declined. Foaly had muttered something about the amount of space left on the network hard drive, and then handed Artemis his own wafer-thin portable laptop. Artemis didn't even bother to ask where they had found it.

His fingers were flying over the keyboard at an incredible speed as he compiled a list of every fact that he had gathered about the love fairy. He was up to the eighth page of notes when he sensed, as much as heard, somebody enter his cubicle. He was working in the deserted space of a traffic gnome who had called in sick. Artemis didn't bother to stop typing as he swung his chair around sideways to check the identity of his visitor.

'Hi Holly.' Artemis greeted the fairy, and then swung back towards the screen.

'Hi.' Said Holly uncertainly. She sat hesitantly on the chair next to the Mud Boy. Artemis was still typing. After several moments of rather awkward silence broken only by Artemis' soft tapping at the keyboard, Holly spoke.

'How are you?'

Artemis raised an eyebrow. 'Absolutely dandy. You?'

Holly might have smiled a little, or it might have been Artemis' imagination. 'I'm fine. I was just wondering…' she stopped.

'Wondering what?'

'What you would do…'

For the first time, Artemis halted his typing, giving Holly his full attention. 'Please, think about what you wish to say and say it, Holly.'

'I was wondering what you'd do…if I did this.' Holly leaned forward and kissed Artemis full on the lips. When she pulled back, Artemis didn't move. To tell the truth, he didn't think he could move. His brain seemed to be stuck, and the fact that Holly was staring at him didn't help.

'I – I –'

'Think about what you want to say and say it, Artemis.'

'I…don't know…'

Holly looked uncertainly at her lap. 'Or don't say anything.'

Artemis nodded, and then after a split second of indecision, he leaned forward and kissed Holly back.

Holly was taken by surprise, but once she got over the fact that this was exactly what she had hoped would happen, she started to enjoy it. Wrapping her arms around neck, she hugged him closely.

After a while, she broke the kiss. 'Are you sure you don't want to say anything?' she asked teasingly.

Artemis looked thoughtful. 'Not right now.' He said finally. Holly nodded, and resumed the kiss.

'Holly?'

Holly looked up, and immediately felt waves of guilt wash over her. None other than Trouble Kelp was standing in the door of the cubicle, his face looking like it couldn't figure out how to arrange itself.

'Trouble, I –'

'That's Commander Kelp to you.' Trouble growled. His face had finally settled, and the look on it left Holly feeling scared, an uncomfortable emotion to associate with your closest friend.

'Don't be stupid, Trouble. I know how this looks, but I can explain.'

'Can you?' Trouble looked even angrier for a moment, then hopeful, then doubtful.

Holly's mind was reeling. How _was_ she going to explain this? 'It was…uh…'

'It was my fault, Captain.' Artemis stood decisively, in the process of neatening his slightly tousled hair and clothes.

'Your fault, Mud Boy?'

'Indeed.' Apart from his rather flushed face, and the fact that he was slightly out of breath, Artemis could have been addressing a student at some sort of lecture. 'I'm afraid I rather took advantage of Captain Short. Believe me, I regret it. It won't happen again.'

Holly felt like she had been slapped. She maintained her composure, but it was a close thing.

Trouble was scrutinising Artemis closely, trying to detect a hint of the lie. 'All right,' He muttered finally. 'I think I can turn a blind eye to this. But if I see you within one hundred metres of Hol – er, Captain Short again, you wont be so lucky.'

Artemis inclined his head graciously to Trouble. Holly was not so calm. Not trusting herself to speak, she stalked out of the room without looking at either of them.

Trouble turned and watched her leave, making a mental note to find out what was wrong with her.

'Okay Mud Boy, Foaly wants you in the Operations Booth immediately.'

Artemis wasn't listening. He was too busy thinking about what had just happened with Holly. He knew what he'd said had upset her, but he had a plan to remedy it.

'I'm sorry, what was that?'

'Foaly wants you in Operations.'

Artemis nodded. 'Very well.' Foaly was just the centaur Artemis needed to see.

* * *

Foaly was doing his best to ignore Equette. Whilst at the same time failing miserably. It was difficult to ignore someone when every time he looked at his computer he was reminded of her. 

When Foaly had come back from giving Butler his surveillance instructions he had found Equette had already finished with Juliet, and was typing busily in HIS chair.

'What are you DOING?' he cried, outraged.

'Oh, you're talking to me now, are you?'

'Not talking, yelling. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?'

'Nothing. Anymore.' Said Equette. She stopped typing, pressed a single key decisively, and turned Foaly's chair around to face him.

'The network harddrive was out of space, did you know? I fixed it for you.'

'You _what_?'

'I. Fixed. It. For. You.'

Foaly rolled his eyes. 'I heard what you _said_. _How_ did you do it?'

'Oh, it was easy. I can show you, if you like. I was wondering why it was so full. You should have said something, if you can't even increase the size of a hard drive.'

Foaly almost exploded right then. Instead he pointed at Equette as calmly as he could, and took a deep breath. 'Get out of my chair.' he ordered, his voice dangerously quiet.

'Oh! Er…yes. All right. Sorry.' Equette jumped up, as though embarrassed by something.

Foaly grabbed the chair and sat down in it huffily.

'So…does this mean you'll talk to me now?' Equette asked cautiously, standing awkwardly behind Foaly's left shoulder.

'No.' said Foaly shortly. Deciding it was time to do some real work, he pressed the intercom button for the connection to Trouble's office.

'Trouble, get me Artemis.'

When he turned back around from giving this message, it was to see the door of Ops sliding shut, and Equette walking stiffly away.

Good riddance, he thought victoriously. But the happiness was tinged with the guilt of seeing Equette's face fall when he had snapped at her. Foaly pushed the feeling aside. The supplanter had tried to turn the Commander and one of his only friends against him. If he could get a little revenge by making her life difficult, it wasn't even close to what she deserved.

* * *

Slightly less than two minutes after Foaly had ordered Trouble to find Artemis, the Mud Boy was knocking on the outside of the Operations Booth door. Foaly released the lock. Artemis entered, looking slightly flustered and finger-combing his hair. 

'What happened to you?' Foaly asked, only half-interested.

'It's nothing. A small misunderstanding.' Artemis brushed the question away. That was what piqued Foaly's interest.

'Oh come on, you think I'm going to buy that?'

Artemis scowled, looking rather irked. 'I trust you didn't call me in here to discuss my personal life?'

Foaly smirked. 'No, I didn't. But I thought I'd ask. You know I'll find out anyway.' He pointed at his surveillance wall. Artemis blanched.

'Very well. I'll tell you, but only if you agree to help me.'

'Help you with what?

Artemis shook his head. 'You must agree first.'

Foaly considered for a moment. How bad could it be? Although you never knew with Artemis. And it would be easy to find out what had happened anyway, just by rewinding two minutes of tape.

'Okay, I agree.' Foaly punched a button on his computer to record their conversation. 'Spill.'

'I must warn you, what you agree to do may not be legal. In fact, it may break some of your oldest laws.'

Foaly hesitated for a split second. But Artemis' confession that it could be illegal just made him all the more eager to know what the Mud Boy had in mind.

'Okay, Mud Boy. But if I get busted for this, I swear I'll have you mind-wiped and dumped in the middle of Antarctica.'

'Very well.' Artemis knew the threat wasn't idle, but he was willing to risk it. 'You aren't going to like this, Foaly.'

'Yeah, yeah, just spit it out, Mud Boy.'

'All right. But remember, I warned you.' Artemis sighed. 'This is what I need you to do…'

* * *

You know, this is getting kinda melodramatic, isn't it? Sorry, I didn't realise, but hopefully its building tension as well? 

Ooh, I know – you can review and tell me!


	12. Revelations

**Disclaimer: **Gotta love these disclaimers, don't you? So just so we all know extra-extra-extra well, I do **not** own Artemis Fowl.

* * *

**If This Isn't Love **

**Chapter Twelve: Revelations**

Holly had been walking pretty much blindly through the corridors of the LEP when she had run into Equette. Literally. Equette didn't seem to be in the greatest mood herself, looking halfway between furious and depressed. But when Holly ran into her she took one look at the elf's face and dragged her straight off to the toilets.

It seemed to Holly that she was spending far too much time in these toilets. And they weren't a particularly pleasant place to be in. Hence, she supposed, why they were toilets.

'What's wrong?' Equette stood in front of Holly with her arms crossed. Holly sighed.

'Nothing.' She said.

'Oh, very funny. Come on. You cannot possibly tell me that you normally walk around looking like you're considering committing suicide. This is about that Mud Boy, isn't it? Artemis Fowl?'

Holly nodded miserably.

'Okay. So what happened?'

Holly sighed. 'Cupid…he – ' Holly mimed the use of a bow and arrow. 'And I went and I kissed Artemis. And then…he kissed me back'

Equette bit her lip thoughtfully. 'Right. So, what's the problem? Was he a really bad kisser, or something?'

'No, that's just it! He was really good, considering I don't think he's ever been kissed before.'

'So why are you so depressed-looking then?' Equette asked in bewilderment.

'Well, Trouble walked in…'

'Oh no.'

'…in the middle of the kiss. And he didn't take it very well.'

'I see.'

'And then Artemis said…he said that he only kissed me because he was taking advantage of me, and he'd never do it again. He didn't even look at me.'

'Oh, honey!' Equette clopped over and gave Holly a hug. At first Holly just stood there, then she hugged the centaur back.

'Look, it doesn't matter anymore. I think I'm over it. I don't think Cupid can have such a strong effect on me, for some reason. Maybe because I'm related to him…'

Equette smiled. 'Atta girl. You show that worthless Mud Boy that you don't need him.'

Holly nodded decisively. 'I'm going to go talk to Trouble.'

* * *

Juliet was, at that moment, in the middle of constructing a stepladder using items she had found around the cubicle in which she was locked. This was both harder and easier than it might sound, so it was probably exactly as difficult as you might expect. 

Anyway.

It was harder than it sounds because there really wasn't a lot in the cubicle to make a ladder out of. What she had so far mostly consisted of a disassembled standard-issue LEP desk chair, and an upended desk.

It was easier than it sounds because the point of making the stepladder was to reach the thick plexiglass window above the door, and since she was in LEP headquarters, the window was somewhat closer to the floor than it might have been if it were above the ground.

Eying the gently wobbling pile that was supposed to support her weight, Juliet decided that she would just have to risk it. She had already tried the computer and found that it didn't have any power. No doubt Butler had asked somebody to cut the power to this cubicle. Something in the back of her mind whispered that this was a good thing, and there was a reason why Butler would want to cut her off from the rest of the world, but the rest of her mind was much louder. And it wanted her to get out.

Juliet placed a tentative foot on the side of a filing cabinet attached to the desk. The surface, whatever it was made out of, sagged slightly, but held. Juliet stepped to the topside of the desk. From here she could reach and unlock the window. The lock – a traditional padlock that seemed out of place amongst the fairy technology – resisted for a moment, but popped open when Juliet tapped it against the wall.

She opened the window and, twisting herself painfully, managed to manoeuvre herself out and into the hallway below. She landed on the floor in a crouch, then straightened and smoothed her blouse. She checked her nails. Not a single one broken. Excellent. Not bad for a spontaneous prison break.

Cupid was still flying around the LEP headquarters, searching for somebody he hadn't shot yet. Officers had been leaving the building in droves, presumably to locate the object of their affections and profess their love. Of those who were still there, about three quarters were already hit, but were hanging around for various reasons.

Deciding he'd probably done enough for one day, Cupid started to head home. The huge Mud Man at the entrance was gone now, hunting for the very person who was about to fly straight past his designated post. If Butler had known he probably would have shot himself. Or at least the people in the immediate vicinity. But he didn't know, so Butler and his companions were (relatively) safe.

Cupid was flying towards the exit when he spotted a lone LEP operative making his way slowly down the hallway. The fairy couldn't resist. Conjuring an arrow, he took exact aim at the figure's back and shot. He watched just long enough to see that his arrow made contact with the intended target, then flew out the door, hardly able to contain his glee. Maybe he should handle more of these cases personally. This was turning out to be one of the best days he'd had all year.

Trouble felt the arrow hit his back, but didn't really comprehend its meaning. Actually, he missed the meaning completely.

'Damn muscle cramps,' he muttered, kneading his shoulders.

Juliet looked up from her nails. The macho LEP elf was standing a few metres up the hallway, rubbing his back.

'Hi.' Juliet said breathlessly. The macho LEP elf stared at her for a moment.

'Hello,' he replied.

Now, if these two persons had been similar heights – or at least, similar species – this would probably be thepart where the violins would start to play as they run towards each other in veritable slow motion, somehow finding a way to end up in a passionate, full-frontal pash without breaking their teeth. Or other importantbody parts.

That was what they were each visualising. The reality of it was...somewhat different.

In reality, there were no violins. Trouble just beckoned to Juliet, who obediently followed him all the way to the LEP supply room. There, Trouble strapped on a pair of Hummingbird wings, hovered at about seventy centimetres, and turned to face Juliet, who was laughing behind spangled fingernails.

'Hi, again.' She laughed, enjoying the novelty of being able to look him straight in the eyes.

'Hello,' said Trouble.

Then they kissed.

* * *

In the Operations Booth, Foaly's jaw had fallen wider even than the average tunnel dwarf's. Needless to say, he was going to be sore tomorrow. What the _heck_ was going on here? Trouble and Juliet? It was... it was just WRONG! Absolutely WRONG! Wrong, wrong, WRONG! It should be illegal! It was…Foaly shuddered. 

Actually, now that he thought about it, it probably WAS illegal…

Artemis was suffering similar amounts of shock, but he was coping with the situation slightly better than Foaly. For example, he was still in control of his basic bodily functions.

But…Juliet! And…well, Trouble…were…well, they were…UGH! It wasn't often that Artemis was lost for words, but he felt that the occasion was an acceptable excuse. Still, he made a mental note to reread his Complete Oxford English Dictionary when he got home. And perhaps some foreign dictionaries, too. Surely someone, somewhere would have come up with a word to describe the image of Trouble and Juliet, well…UGH!

Artemis shook his head slightly to dislodge the image, and turned away from the wall. Distracted by the movement, Foaly also turned to face Artemis. He found the Mud Boy looking at him stonily, ready for the fight.

'Will you do it?'

'Look, Artemis, its not so much whether I _will_ as whether I _can_…'

Artemis' lip curled. 'You can't possibly mean to tell me that there is something that you really _can't_ do, Foaly.'

Foaly scowled. 'Look, Mud Boy – I get that you want to make it up to Holly – I get that –but something like this is just a little extreme, don't you think? I mean, how will you explain it to Butler? And Juliet? And your parents? You know we can't let them know about us.'

Artemis nodded thoughtfully. 'I understand that.'

'Good! So you see, it's impossible! Its insane!'

Artemis faced Foaly straight on, looking him straight in the eyes. 'Look, Foaly. You promised you would help me, no matter what I asked for.'

Foaly muttered something incomprehensible.

'Yes, you did. You agreed, and now I'm asking you to fulfil your promise. It's a simple as that. I only want to be the most _basic_ fairy. Not to be magic, not to be intelligent – although I doubt you could make me any more intelligent than I am now – I simply want to be smaller.'

Foaly shook his head. 'It's _not_ as simple as that, Mud Boy. You knew this would be illegal, but did you know it would be sacrilegious? I won't do it. Nothing you say can change my mind.'

Artemis felt like stamping his foot. Instead, he turned sharply on his heel and marched out of the Ops Booth. A determined Fowl always got his way. And Artemis had never been more determined than he was now.

* * *

Hmmm, wonder what he's going to do? Dum, dum, DUM! 

This is getting pretty dumb, dumb, dumb...

Sorry about my corny humour...reviews?

Oh, and because I just got Brizo's review, I'll answerit – Trouble isn't actually commander, he's acting commander because Root has been 'compromised.' And he was just going a bit overboard with the rank thing because he was cranky with Holly…so I guess he never did become commander…I just used the word commander three times...four if you count that last one...

* * *


	13. Resolutions

**Disclaimer:** Blerk…This is so pointless. How can I even prove that I actually even write these disclaimers? I mean, if somebody were to go 'hey, she's deranged and thinks she owns Artemis Fowl, lets sue her!' and I said, 'hey no, look, I wrote all these disclaimers on all my stories, to say that **I don't own Artemis Fowl**,' how could I even prove that I actually did do that? What if some random was just hacking into my account and adding these disclaimers to all my chapters?

Wow, that's a freaky thought. Who would be pathetic enough to do that, anyway?

* * *

**If This Isn't Love **

**Chapter Thirteen: Resolutions**

Artemis had been pacing the length of a deserted hallway for around ten minutes when he suddenly turned at one end and ran into Equette. Literally.

The centaur made an exasperated noise and continued past Artemis, barely sparing time to shoot him a deadly look.

Normally Artemis formed ideas carefully, after hours of careful planning and reason. But occasionally – very occasionally – ideas came to him all at once, fully formed, and ready to be realised. This was one of those times.

It was obvious that Foaly couldn't stand Equette. To be standing in a room with one present whilst the other entered was to feel the air conditioning cranked up with the temperature lowered significantly. Which was, incidentally, exactly the kind of atmosphere that Artemis needed. Or at least, it was the kind of atmosphere that he could exploit.

Artemis coughed delicately. 'Excuse me, Miss Equette?'

Equette was already several metres past him, but she turned around to glare at him when he coughed. 'What do you want, Mud Boy?'

The undisguised venom in her voice took Artemis aback. What had he ever done to her? Then he recalled the earlier exchange between she and Holly. Putting two and two together, he deduced that Holly must have told her about what he had said, and kicked himself mentally. It was a landmark moment for Artemis Fowl to do something so undeniably stupid.

'Well, you see, Miss Equette…I realise that I am not Hol – er, Captain Short's favourite person right now – '

'Understatement of the century!' Equette scoffed. 'She hates you!'

The expression on Artemis face didn't change, but he felt his left middle finger twitch involuntarily. 'That being the case, Miss, I need your help to make it up to her.'

Equette rolled her eyes. 'Enough with the 'Miss.' My name's Equette, okay? And why do you need _my_ help? Surely a big, strong Mud Worm like yourself can brave the sarcasm of Monsieur Foaly?' Equette spat the word 'Foaly' as though it were synonymous with a particularly dirty swear word.

Artemis shifted slightly. 'Foaly is a little, shall we say, _reluctant_ to help. I am counting on you being a little more open-minded than him.'

Now Equette was suspicious. 'What exactly do you want me to do?' she asked.

'I…well, I wish to be a fairy. Or, more precisely, I wish for you to make me a fairy.'

Equette didn't answer for a long time. Artemis awaited the reaction that he was sure would be forthcoming: either she would burst out laughing or ask him if he was serious.

It was a compromise, actually.

'Are you SERIOUS!' she clapped her hands gleefully, and giggled noiselessly.

Artemis frowned. Just because he'd anticipated this reaction didn't mean that he appreciated it any more. 'Yes, I assure you, I am perfectly serious. Will you do it, or not?'

Equette wiped an imaginary tear from the corner of her eye. 'Okay, little Mud Boy. I understand that maybe you don't really comprehend the Fairy world properly, so I'll try to explain it to you.'

A vein twitched in Artemis' temple. Nobody who'd had a conversation with him had ever been this condescending to him following the first exchange of words.

'Listen, _Miss _Equette, I understand the Fairy world completely. In fact, it is most likely that I understand it better than you. I know that what I'm asking for is neither easy nor straightforward, but believe me when I say that I will do whatever it takes to achieve it.'

Equette stopped giggling. 'Gods, you really are serious, aren't you!'

Artemis didn't answer. It wasn't really a question.

'But…why would you want to do that? Don't you have a life, like…on the surface?'

Artemis frowned. 'That is none of your concern. I am perfectly capable of handling my life, and this is what I want.'

'You want it because of Holly?' Equette thought she knew the answer, but it didn't hurt to ask.

'Perhaps.' Artemis said. Vague and unassuaging.

Equette considered. This boy was for real, she could tell. He was really willing to give up his entire life for Holly, so he was obviously very special. But there was just one question lurking in her mind. It wasn't a pivotal issue, but it was niggling at her, like a rock in your shoe – you could ignore it, but its much more satisfying to stop walking and get it out.

'Okay, I'll help you.' Equette agreed. 'But I need to tell me something first.'

Artemis nodded. 'Very well. What?'

'Why did you say you'd never kiss Holly again?' it was a little blunt, but Equette had never been very diplomatic.

Artemis looked slightly surprised, but he recovered quickly. 'Well, I said that because…Trouble was standing there. I didn't wish to lower Holly's position in his eyes. I thought it was the best way to prevent her becoming the subject of another investigation.'

'All right.' Equette smiled. 'Good answer. Lets go.' She resumed her walk in the direction of the Operations Booth.

'What, now?' Artemis couldn't contain his surprise.

'Sure, why not? You say you've taken care of everything, and thought this all out? This is the best time to do it, while everyone is distracted with this Cupid thing.'

Artemis recognised in her words the mind of a practised troublemaker. He'd obviously come to the right place for such a patently illegal operation. Which really didn't help him one iota, because he didn't want _her_ to do it. Shrugging inwardly, he followed Equette down the hallway.

When they got to the Ops Booth, they found Foaly sleeping in his chair. That wasn't good for Artemis' plan. In Artemis' plan, as soon as Foaly realised that Equette was going to do the operation, he got jealous and agreed to do it instead, like Artemis had wanted in the first place. Unfortunately, Artemis hadn't counted on the technical genius needing to sleep. Foaly was snoring loudly, and his foil hat was slightly askew. Artemis eyed the sleeping form with trepidation.

'Oh, don't worry about him,' Equette reassured Artemis, misreading the worry on Artemis' face. 'He won't wake up, even if you blew a foghorn in his ear. Believe me, I've tried it. I thought he might be drugging himself for a while, but then I took a blood sample – while he was sleeping – and it came up clean, so I think he must just be a really, _really_ heavy sleeper.'

Artemis frowned. This was definitely not good. It seemed that his only option was to let Equette do the operation, which really wasn't an option at all. Because there was only one thing Artemis hated more than people who talked down to him, and that was people who babbled. Equette had officially done both, putting her pretty much permanently in his bad books. Along with sixty million other people that Artemis had met over the years. But beggars can't be choosers, and Artemis was resolute that this procedure be completed before he left Haven.

'Could we get on with this, please?' he asked impatiently.

'Certainly,' Equette replied. 'The first thing I need to know is – do you want some plastic surgery while you're out, or do you want to maintain your…er…natural good looks?'

Artemis suspected that he might have just been insulted, but decided to pursue the issue at a later time. Like, when he wasn't about to become a different species.

'I'd like to retain my natural appearance, thankyou,' Artemis scowled at the centaur to emphasise his point. Equette didn't take any notice.

'Okay, then. I'll be back in about five minutes with a sedative, and then I can start.'

'What?' Artemis was confused; something that didn't often happen, but normally resulted in some sort of catastrophe. 'Don't you need a…surgeon? Or a cosmetic consultant? Or…some sort of _expert_?' he was beginning to feel a little panicky.

Equette smiled in a way that was vaguely familiar to Artemis. 'Lucky for you, Mud Boy, I minored in cosmetic surgery at university. I can do this whole thing myself, so the chances of what I did getting out are minimal.'

Artemis realised why he knew that smile. It was the vampire smile that he so often gave people when he was about to tell them something that they wouldn't like.

'Well…all right, but – how are you going to shrink me? I very much doubt that there is a surgical procedure for making me a metre tall?'

'You're right, of course.' Said Equette dismissively. 'I was just going to cut off a few bits, here and there – '

Artemis blanched to the colour of snow.

' – But I thought that might make walking a little difficult. Luckily, I have a machine that will do the job just fine, and without crippling you for life'

Artemis raised an eyebrow; already recovered from the unpleasant shock Equette had delivered him. 'You have a machine for turning humans into fairies?'

Equette shrugged. 'I didn't build it for that express purpose, no, but I think it'll do the job okay. It's a molecular re-arranger. I just give it a collection of atoms to detect – in this case, you – and program in the shape I want them arranged into.'

Now Artemis was scared. That was not the kind of thing he'd had in mind. Even an idiot could see the number of things that could go wrong with a plan like that. The machine could mistake part of his clothing – or even part of the air – for a part of him, and he'd end up stuck with it in his molecular structure for the rest of his life! Which probably wouldn't be very long. Or he could end up with something extra added on, built from the excesses of his molecules, or – Artemis felt himself going pale at the thought – he could end up with something missing.

'Absolutely not.' He declared.

Equette stuck out her tongue. 'Don't worry about it, Mud Boy. Something like this is simple. Since you want to look the same as you do now, all I need to do is scale down a scan of you to fairy size, and you'll be all set! I promise not to add anything on. Or,' she smirked, 'take anything away.'

Artemis shot her a deadly glare. Just because he'd been thinking it didn't give her any right to think it. Or say it.

'Fine.' He muttered. 'Do your worst. But if I wake up without a head, I swear I will have Butler find you and turn you inside out.'

'Right after you grow a new head, you mean?' Equette laughed.

Artemis' mouth didn't even twitch. Some things just weren't funny.

Equette retrieved a strong anaesthetic from her personal medical supply room, as well as a magically enhanced blood thickener. Centaurs didn't have magic, and she didn't want her patient bleeding to death. Something like that looked really bad on a CV.

'Any last words?' she asked, holding the adhesive patch that would release the anaesthetic into Artemis' bloodstream over the boy's wrist.

Artemis was lying on a chair, looking – and feeling – surprisingly emotional. The back of his mind was whispering that it wasn't too late to back out of this. It wasn't too late to stop this craziness before it got really out of hand, to forget about Holly and just go back to the surface and see his parents and tell his father that he would be a hero with him…it wasn't too late to go and see his mother, and apologise for making them worry about him, and it wasn't too late to just be a normal boy in a normal family with normal friends…

But Artemis Fowl II wasn't normal, and never could be. Artemis Fowl II was…extraordinary. He was a prodigy, a genius, or a freak…he was, simply, Artemis. Backing out wouldn't achieve anything.

'No last words,' he whispered.

The last thing he saw before he fell into a swirling pool of blackness was Foaly jumping angrily out of his chair.

* * *

Artemis is insane...and OOC...but oh well.

Reviews? Please. Thankyou. Erm...yeah.

Work Experience finished, so I now have one week of holiday left to write my little heart out. YAY!

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	14. Confessions

**Disclaimer: **I, very sadly, must accept that my delusions that I own Artemis Fowl were just that – delusions. Too bad.

* * *

**If This Isn't Love **

**Chapter Fourteen: Confessions **

Meanwhile, Holly was standing in the entrance of the Supply Room, wallowing in the worst mood she'd been in for almost two years. She was finding it a little difficult to gain entry into the room, due to the fact that someone was blocking the way. Two someones, actually.

That was when Holly decided that nothing was going to get Trouble out of the beating he deserved. He was going to get what he had coming to him. By Frond, was he going to get it. And she had no problem with giving it to him.

Trouble was startled to find himself on the floor, when just a moment ago he'd been living out his most frequent fantasy. Admittedly, in his dreams it hadn't involved the wings, but dreams weren't always in keeping with reality. As he realised when he saw Holly's red and angry face swam into focus.

Holly picked up Trouble by his lapels and dusted him off. 'Are you okay, Trubs?'

Trouble was confused. Holly's face was livid, but her voice was perfectly calm. If he'd been thinking straight he probably could have figured out the trap in her question, but he wasn't even sure what she'd just asked, let alone sure how he should answer if he wanted to maintain a conscious state. His mouth answered automatically.

'Sure. I'm…I'm great.'

'Oh, good. I'm sorry to interrupt _your_ blissfully romantic moment, but I have something really important to tell you.'

'Wha? Holly…what happened? Why am I on the ground? Did you do that?' Trouble looked at her, bewildered.

Holly smiled. 'I turned off you wings. I have something for you, Trouble.'

'Something for me?'

'Yes,' Holly curled her hand into a fist, and drove it into Trouble's face as hard as she could.

Trouble felt the sharp pain in his head, saw stars, and opened him eyes to find himself staring at the ceiling for the second time in as many minutes.

Holly, meanwhile, watched Trouble fly across the floor, and smiled, feeling satisfied. That feeling lasted for about two seconds. Until she felt a sharp tap on her shoulder. She turned around.

'Y- '

Holly never got to finish that particular sentence, because she herself was flying across the room. The back of her mind was making a note to ask Juliet to teach her to punch like that, but the rest of her mind was too busy feeling nauseous at the rushing colours to pay any attention.

'Ouch.' Said Holly, as she hit the wall a little distance away from Trouble and had the breath knocked from her body.

'Little fairy guy?' Juliet was kneeling over the dazed Captain Kelp, waving a hand in front of his face. 'Little fairy guy, are you awake?'

Trouble opened his eyes. His magic was already dealing with the bruise Holly had dealt him, but his pride would take a little longer to heal.

'Trouble,' he said, suddenly but perfectly clearly.

'Who is? Oh, you mean Holly? No, she'll be fine.'

'No, its my name,' Trouble explained. 'Trouble. You called me 'little fairy guy.''

'Oh.' Juliet looked slightly confused. 'All right. Trouble.' she smiled.

Trouble was leaning towards Juliet again – with obvious reasons – when he was brought back to reality by Holly's groan.

'Holly?' he asked. 'Are you okay?' He didn't move from his rather awkward position above Juliet, but at least he was wise enough to ask.

Holly sat up. 'Of course I'm not okay,' She rubbed her head. Like Trouble, her magic was taking care of the bruises quickly and efficiently.

'Good.' Trouble leaned down and started kissing Juliet again. Holly groaned.

'I'm not okay anymore,' she muttered. 'I'm gonna be sick.'

Trouble and Juliet ignored her. 'Okay Juliet, I'll forgive you for hitting me, but only because I know you're not completely yourself,' Holly said, standing up. She may as well have been speaking to an empty room, for all the acknowledgment the love struck couple gave her.

'Okay, I'm just going to go now. Trouble, I'm gonna go find Artemis and start kissing him. Is that all right with you?'

Trouble continued the kiss.

'Then I'm going to ask him to marry me and we'll run away to the surface, okay?'

Trouble didn't react.

'We'll invite you to the wedding. And maybe the baptism, too.'

When Trouble didn't react to this, Holly rolled her eyes. Leaving the room, she resisted the urge to kick Trouble in the ribs as she walked past him. What right did he have to interrupt her and Artemis, and then go and kiss Juliet? For Frond's sake, at least she knew Artemis' name!

Holly wasn't sure that she really wanted to talk to Artemis, but eying the couple on the floor, she wondered what else there was to do. It was the middle of the day above ground, which meant that even in normal circumstances LEP Headquarters would be practically deserted. In these circumstances – with everybody running off to profess their love in person, the place was positively isolated. It was likely that the only people left were she, Trouble and Juliet, Equette and Foaly, Artemis, and, of course, where there was Artemis, there was Butler.

Sighing, Holly walked off in the direction of the Operations Booth. If Artemis was here, that was where he would be.

'WHAT IN FROND'S NAME ARE YOU DOING!'

Equette jumped when she heard Foaly's voice behind her. She had been completely absorbed in checking Artemis, and hadn't realised the other centaur was awake.

'Oh…you're awake,' she said falteringly.

Foaly rolled his eyes. 'You don't say.'

'I was just…um…helping Artemis.'

'With what?' Foaly's eyes were narrowed dangerously.

Equette bit her lip uncomfortably. 'To become a fairy.'

'No, you're not.' Foaly shook his head forcefully. 'No way.'

Equette glared at Foaly so hard it wouldn't have been at all surprising if he had burst into flame. 'Try and stop me, Foaly.' She turned around and reached towards Artemis.

'STOP!'

Foaly and Equette turned towards the door simultaneously. Holly was standing there, looking positively horrified.

'what are you DOING!'

Equette seemed to shrink visibly under Holly's gaze. Foaly smirked.

'Shrinking Artemis,' he told her, with all too much glee.

Holly turned back to Equette. 'You weren't!'

Equette appeared to shrink even further. 'Erm…no…'

Holly looked confused. 'What were you doing then?'

'Well, first I was going to remove his pituitary gland…' Equette kept her eyes on the ground, trying not to look at Holly's face. Unfortunately, it was difficult not to look when Holly started to yell.

'You were WHAT?'

Equette was about to answer, but Foaly interrupted. 'He asked us to turn him into a fairy. That's what we were doing…we were turning him into a fairy.'

Holly looked confused. 'We? Both of you?'

'Yes. We were…uh…working together.' It almost seemed to cause Foaly actually pain to say the phrase 'working together,' but he forced it out.

Of course, Equette was confused to hear Foaly saying this, but not nearly as confused as Holly.

'Why were you asleep then?' she asked Foaly.

'I was letting her start the procedure.'

'Right. And you suddenly chucked a little tantrum because…?'

'She was doing it wrong.' Said Foaly

'I was doing it differently.' Said Equette.

'Right.' Holly didn't look convinced. 'Wait a second. You said he ASKED you to do this?'

Equette seemed to shrink again. She and Foaly nodded wordlessly.

'But – but – this is _Artemis Fowl _we're talking about! Foaly, you at least should have known better! You know what he's capable of! He'd use this to exploit us, you know he would! That's what Artemis _does_! Why did you agree? _How_ could you agree?'

'Why Holly, I thought you'd know me better than that by now.'

Holly froze. That voice…

Equette was rather more vocal. 'What are you doing awake? There was enough sedative in that –'

Artemis waved the adhesive sedative patch Equette had strapped to his arm. 'In this?' he asked.

'Ah.' Equette shut up.

'What is that?' Foaly took the patch carefully and studied it.

'It's a sedative patch.' Equette explained. 'Its made by minute amounts of heavy metal elements. Most of the normal side affects of the poisoning are counteracted by a peanut oil derivative. The only thing I haven't been able to get rid of is an itching in the extremities -' she turned to Artemis, 'that should be kicking in any second now, by the way – ' she turned back to Foaly, who had a thoughtful look on his face.

'You could probably get rid of that with some sort of calamine, though…'

Equette thought about it. 'That's true! I didn't think of that!'

'You didn't? And I did!'

The female centaur looked confused and not a little exasperated. 'Um…yes. I know you did. You're brilliant, Foaly'

'I am! I mean, I wasn't, but now I am! I can think again!' he suddenly commenced a victory dance. It was a dance he had invented when he won the science prize over Opal back at university. It was really quite terrifying to behold, and it was the reason that most of the people attending the prize-giving ceremony were now in therapy. Picture obscene hip thrusting and Spice Girls-style high kicks.

Needless to say, Holly, Artemis and Equette were all staring at Foaly in morbid fascination. When Foaly noticed he stopped the dance quickly and coughed self-consciously.

'Well, erm…yes. So.'

Artemis stood up. 'All right. I think now is quite an appropriate time for me to leave. I shall go find Butler and let him know that…'

Unfortunately, the rest of the room's occupants couldn't hear what it was that Artemis was going to tell Butler. Possibly because Artemis was backing rather quickly out of the room, or possibly because Artemis hadn't actually said what he was going to tell the bodyguard.

Holly was glancing quickly from Foaly and Equette – who seemed to have remembered that they were supposed to be hating each other and were staring in opposite directions with their arms crossed – to the rapidly shrinking figure of Artemis outside the Ops Booth windows.

'Okay. I'm gonna go see what Artemis needs to tell Butler,' Holly said, making her own, rather un-subtle dash for the door. Foaly and Equette were too busy ignoring each other to even notice.

Outside, Holly raced towards the hallway Artemis had vanished down.

'Artemis! Where are you, you miserable Mud Boy?'

Artemis heard Holly calling and turned around, just in time to have Holly run straight into him.

'Oomph!'

'Hello Holly,' said Artemis, as though it was perfectly normal for Holly to be sprawling across the floor in front of him. 'Long time no see.'

Holly scowled. 'Oh, very funny Mud Boy. I didn't see you, that's all.'

'That's odd. I seem to recall that you are the one with the shielding ability, not me.'

Holly stood up and glared. 'You know, I wanted to ask you something, Artemis. Now I'm not sure I'll bother.'

Artemis raised an eyebrow. 'I see. By all means Holly, ask your question. I am sure I can't live without knowing what it was.'

Holly did realise that Artemis was being sarcastic – only an idiot could have missed it – but she decided to ask anyway. If Artemis really didn't care at all, he wouldn't have even bothered stopping.

'If you didn't want to be a fairy so that you could exploit Haven, then why did you want to be? A fairy, I mean?'

The slight smirk on Artemis' face was replaced by an inscrutable expression. 'Don't you know?'

Holly shook her head slightly. 'No. I can't figure it out at all. I can't figure _you_ out.'

'Nobody ever can,' Artemis mused. 'It's because…I met this beautiful girl.'

Although her heart started racing with this comment, Holly limited the emotion on her face to a mocking grin. 'Not hormones, I hope, Artemis?'

Artemis ignored her. 'And I hurt this girl's feelings, Holly. I knew that she deserved better.'

'So you wanted to be fairy?'

'Yes.'

'Why? Why couldn't you just send her flowers?'

Artemis knelt on the floor, so that his eyes were almost level with Holly's. 'Because she's worth so much more than that. I needed to show her exactly what she meant to me.'

'And what is that?' Holly asked breathlessly. 'What does she mean?'

Artemis finally broke eye contact, and stared at the ground. 'She means…everything. Everything in the world.'

Holly beamed. 'You know, there's a very simple way to show that,' she told him.

Artemis looked up at her. 'There is?'

'Yes. I'll show you.' Holly leaned forward slowly and kissed Artemis. Artemis was surprised, but found himself enjoying this kiss even more than the last. He reached up and ran his fingers down Holly's back. She shivered, and broke the kiss.

'You see? It's easy. And so much more fun than an operation.'

Artemis smiled, but it was tinged with sadness. 'But…I'm still a human. You're still a fairy. We're from different worlds, Holly. It's impossible.'

Holly smiled back. 'I know. But we can still try.'

Artemis nodded. 'All right. We'll try.' He leaned forward and kissed Holly thoroughly, starting at her lips and ending at her neck, then returning to her lips again.

Equette smiled mistily. 'Isn't that sweet?' she said, turning to Foaly. 'A happy ending.'

'I don't know. It's not natural.'

Equette shook her head. 'No, I think it is. Holly told me before that she didn't think Cupid could affect her so much, because she's related to him. And Artemis wasn't shot. I think this is all them.'

Foaly shook his head. 'Even so, this isn't over. We still don't know what Cupid wants.'

Equette shrugged. 'I'm sure he'll tell us, soon enough.'

Then the pair realised that they were supposed to hate each other, and quickly turned their backs and crossed their arms.

Back at his house, Cupid tutted as he sipped a hot chocolate. They certainly would find out, and it was a sure thing that they wouldn't like it.

* * *

Okay, I know this took me ages to get up, but it's a lot longer than the others. Or it's a bit longer than the others, anyway. I think the next one will be the last chapter, possibly. I don't know. But please review!

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	15. A Different Kind of Resolution

**Disclaimer:** And what if I did own Artemis Fowl? What would you do? Be really freaked because Eoin Colfer is pretending to be a girl and posting stupid stories on a non-profit website?

Well, thankfully I don't own it, I am, in fact, a girl, I'm not Irish, and I get nothing except fuzziness out of Artemis Fowl.

* * *

**If This Isn't Love**

**Chapter Fifteen: A Different Kind Of Resolution**

Next evening, Cupid sat up and yawned stereotypically. If he'd been in a movie, it would have been the perfect rise-and-shine scene. Unfortunately for him, it wasn't a movie. And Cupid was actually in rather a lot of pain. On top of the Love Nausea - which he'd ignored for most of yesterday but which was back full force this morning – his shooting arm felt like he'd just run a marathon on it, and nothing else.

Luckily he didn't plan to use it that day.

After a light breakfast of instant coffee and Frond-Loops, Cupid was out the door and on his way back to the LEP. He bypassed the queues in Police Plaza, flying over them with his shield on, and alighted in the centre of the Recon Department. There, he lowered his shield and made his way in a more typical fashion towards the Operations Booth. He rapped on the glass.

Inside, Foaly looked out to see a fairy that he had never seen before knocking on his glass. The elf was short, with a hooked nose and cherubic mouth. But the most interesting thing about him were the wings attached to his back. They weren't a design that Foaly had ever seen before, either invented by him or by any other organisation. All in all, this didn't look a fairy who was supposed to be there. In fact, he looked like exactly the kind of person that Foaly had designed his foil hat to protect against.

Foaly buzzed him in.

'Who are you?' he demanded.

Equette snorted and woke with a start when she heard Foaly's question. She squinted blearily at the elf now standing in the middle of the Booth.

'Hello,' she said.

'Hello,' said the elf. 'I'm Cupid.'

Cupid wasn't quite sure what kind of effect he was expecting these words to have, but it didn't seem to be the one they realistically caused. Equette did a double take and seemed to squint even harder. 'You?' she said incredulously.

Foaly, meanwhile, seemed to be having some sort of fit in his chair. He was alternating between Root-like air-strangling motions and eye-twitches.

'You did all of this?' Foaly pointed at the screen on his wall. On it was playing the previously recorded videos of Commander Root and Vinyáyá, as well as Lili and Grub, Juliet and Trouble and even a little footage of Holly and Artemis.

Cupid studied the pictures closely. 'Not this one,' he said meekly, pointing to the square containing Holly and Artemis.

Foaly looked almost ready to kill the little elf. And Foaly didn't often resort to violence. It wasn't his strong point.

'But – you – why – I – can't – but – who – I – WHAT DID YOU DO?'

Cupid looked slightly scared. 'I…um…shot them?'

Foaly breathed deeply. He didn't seem to be in a fit state to talk, so Equette took over.

'Why, though? Why the LEP? And why all them?' she gestured at the screen.

The ghost of a smile almost made its way onto Cupid's face, but Foaly stopped him in his tracks.

'Oh, no! Don't you dare look pleased with yourself! Do you have any idea of the damage you've done?'

Cupid just shrugged. 'My job isn't about damage control. My job is about Love. And I do it well.'

'Do you.' It was more of a statement than a question. Equette raised her eyebrow. 'Okay. So why, then? Why now, why them, why bother?'

'Because of you,' Cupid said.

Equette looked confused. 'Me?' she asked.

'Yes. Or, well, not only you. Him as well.' Cupid nodded at Foaly.

'Me? What do I have to do with it?' Foaly's eyes narrowed.

'Well…you see…Let me explain this to you. Do you see that?' Cupid pointed at Foaly's screen.

Foaly nodded. 'How could I not see it?'

'Indeed.' Cupid looked a little amused. 'What would you say if I told you I could make it all go away?'

'I'd say…what do you want us to do?' Equette looked deliriously happy at the very prospect.

Foaly shook his head. 'No, Equette. I think there's a little more to it than that. Why would he do all this if he was just going to undo it?'

Hiding the pleasant surprise that Foaly using her actual name had been, Equette turned back to Cupid.

'Okay, Mister Love Fairy. Why did you do all this?'

'For you two, my dears,' Cupid told her patronizingly. 'You two have caused me more discomfort than any other couple in my experience at this job.'

'Us?' Foaly looked a little uncomfortable himself to hear it.

'Yes,' said Cupid. 'You two are generating more chemistry than most of the Mud People labs combined. Surely you realised?'

Foaly and Equette both stared at the ground, shuffling their feet and muttering something incomprehensible. Cupid tutted.

'This is exactly the problem. Neither of you will even admit it to yourselves, let alone to the other person. So I'm going to make you a deal.'

Equette didn't quite think this was fair. After all, she had admitted it to herself that she liked Foaly. But she wasn't going to argue with his while he was offering a deal.

'What kind of deal?' asked Foaly suspiciously.

Cupid leaned towards the centaurs conspiratorially. It was hardly necessary, considering the Ops Booth was completely soundproof, but it gave his words that extra emphasis. Foaly and Equette leaned forward too.

'If you two will admit to each other – in so many words – that you each like, and possibly even love the other, then I will undo everything I've done to your friends. Everything will go back to normal. They won't even remember, if you don't want them to.'

Equette abruptly stood up straight again, looking everywhere except at Foaly. Foaly, meanwhile, had turned slightly away from Equette and was staring out the tinted windows of Ops with his arms crossed.

'Take your time,' Cupid cackled. 'I can wait.'

The minutes ticked by, and neither centaur moved. Foaly was trying very hard not to think about looking at Equette, but every time he thought about not doing it, it made him want to do it even more.

Equette was thinking about how best to word what she knew she had to say. But every time she opened her mouth to speak, a sick nauseous feeling took over, and she became convinced that Foaly was about to talk at the same time. Finally, after ten minutes of near-total silence, she realised what was wrong. It made her feel cold, like somebody had replaced her blood with icy water.

He didn't like her, and he never had. He'd made that clear from their first meeting. He was just waiting for the crazy fairy who thought he was Cupid to get out of his Ops Booth. He'd never say he loved her, because he didn't. Equette felt her eyes fill with tears at the thought, but she blinked them back, and then turned towards the other centaur.

'Foaly, I know what you're thinking,' she told him. 'And I understand. But I think you should know, before you leave, that it's true what, um, Cupid said. I do like you. Maybe I even love you, but it's too hard to tell that. I don't know you well enough, either. I don't even know why I like you, because you've been nothing except mean to me since I came here. But I really liked you, I really did. And out of respect for how I know you feel, I know I should resign. I'll hand in my notice as soon as Commander Root is…himself again.'

'Equette – '

Equette shook her head. 'I haven't finished. I want you to know that you really hurt my feelings. I only took this job so I could get to know you, and you were a let down from the beginning. Like when you were just sulking and insulting me, yet I somehow found it endearing. But now I know that you aren't what you're cracked up to be. I don't know what all those scientific journals were talking about, but I guess they didn't know the real you. I'm sorry I came here. I wont bother you again.'

'But Equette, I want – '

'Don't bother, Foaly. I don't care what you have to say.'

'But Equette – I like you too.'

Equette froze. Surely she'd heard wrong. 'You what?'

'I like you as well.' Foaly muttered, scuffing his front hoof on the floor.

Cupid smiled. Equette stared.

'You do?' she asked, in a tone that was halfway between incredulous and delighted.

'I said it, didn't I?' Foaly snapped. 'I wouldn't lie about something like that. Especially not for you.'

Equette rolled her eyes, but her face was simultaneously breaking in half from grinning so hard.

'You know what, Foaly?' she said, turning so that she was facing him completely.

'What?' Foaly asked grumpily.

Equette smiled. 'Don't ever change,' she told him, and kissed him.

* * *

To say the least, Foaly was taken by surprise. He hadn't been kissed since – well, ever. He'd always been too busy dismantling this or inventing that, and his ideas had never lightened up enough to allow time for dating. But he'd probably have to make time, now. This was almost as much fun as hacking into Mud Man intelligence agencies. Nah, who was he kidding? This was way more fun that that. 

He kissed her back.

* * *

Cupid grinned as the pain in his stomach subsided and became a happy tingling feeling. This was why he still he job. 

He left the centaurs kissing for about two minutes, then tapped the female on the shoulder.

'Excuse me,' he interrupted. Equette broke the kiss and looked at him.

'Yes, Mister Cupid?'

'Did you want me to fix everyone now?'

Equette looked at Foaly, who seemed to be considering. 'Okay,' he decided eventually. 'And if you could – could you make it so that they don't remember?'

Cupid nodded. 'Sure. One normal police force coming right up.' He pulled out the only object he'd brought with him today – he'd left his arrows at home as a goodwill gesture. And because it was really quite bothersome to have to carry around a bow and quiver all day.

The gadget he was holding would send out a radio signal to anyone affected by his little shooting spree, and intercept the brainwaves telling them that they were in love with – well, whoever it was they thought they were in love with. It also removed most of the memories dating from the instant each person was shot to the instant the signal reached them. Unfortunately, it wouldn't remove the memories of those who hadn't been shot. In other words, anyone Cupid had missed, and anyone who had had love professed to them but hadn't actually been shot would still remember everything perfectly.

But that was the price that people who suppressed their feelings had to pay. And a little teasing at the hands of their crush never hurt anyone.

* * *

All over Haven, LEP officers woke as if from a dream. The lucky ones found themselves in the middle of a serenade. The unlucky ones suddenly found themselves kissing somebody they'd barely spoken to before.

* * *

Lili Frond found herself in the infirmary, surrounded by sketches of what looked like a giant worm. She checked her nails, and when she saw that they were covered in some sort of black crayon, she started to scream.

* * *

Vinyáyá woke in a holding cell. Looking around, she caught her reflection in the mirror and saw that her hair was a mess and her lipstick was smudged. Commander Root was watching her oddly from a corner. 

'What am I doing here?' she asked him. The Commander raised an eyebrow.

* * *

Juliet and Trouble both found themselves on the floor of the LEP Supply Room, and sat up quickly, spitting and retching. 

'WHAT DID YOU DO?' Juliet screamed.

'ME? WHAT ABOUT YOU?' Trouble yelled back.

They both shuddered.

* * *

The next day, Foaly and Equette arranged for a therapist to come and talk to anyone who needed it. That way, he hoped, they could at least avoid the majority of the nervous breakdowns that were sure to ensue.

* * *

**Thanks for reading my fanfic, everyone. Please keep a lookout for my next story. I'm planning a rather less fluffy and romantic thing - just to see if I can do it, and because I don't really feel very confident with this romance stuff.**

**On your way out, please humour me and review. Even if you haven't reviewed before now, I promise not to kill you. Or even maim you. Even if you don't have anything nice to say, at least I know you read it. And constructive criticism is always very welcome.**

**Thanks to all my regular reviewers, including Crystalocean, hollybridgetpeppermint, Brizo, almostinsane (sort of), Koru-chan, spirochick39, Athemia, LandUnderWave, SusannaAnnaHannahPotter, Luvcaptainjack, xmetallicbooger and…well everyone else!**

**Sorry if I forgot anyone.**

**Thankyou, even if you only reviewed once.**

**Actually, thankyou if you reviewed never! I'm still glad you read it.**

**Hope you all enjoyed this, and I'll see you again soon!**


	16. Conclusions

**Disclaimer:** Hang on I'll just check…Nope, I don't own Artemis Fowl…

* * *

**If This Isn't Love**

**Chapter Sixteen: Conclusions**

Artemis was standing near the door of their express-to-the-surface shuttle, hugging Holly closely. Holly was standing on the railings meant to keep the queues orderly, hugging him back as hard as she could. Luckily, there were no queues for this particular shuttle. Butler's presence tended to discourage people from approaching.

'Will you come visit?' Holly whispered into Artemis' ear. Artemis nodded without letting go.

'Whenever I can get away,' he told her.

'Good,' she whispered again. 'I don't want you to forget me when you get up to the surface.'

Suddenly Artemis pulled away and turned his back to Holly, leaving the fairy staring at his back. For some reason she felt as though she had been slapped.

'What's wrong, Artemis?' she asked.

Artemis froze for a moment, and then turned back to her. 'Holly – do you think I could ever, _ever_ forget you?'

The stony look on Holly's face melted into a huge smile. 'Come here, Artemis,' she ordered him. Artemis stepped forward a metre or so, so that he was standing with his nose barely an inch from Holly's.

'I'll never forget you, either,' she told him, and kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck. Artemis kissed her back, wishing harder than he'd ever wished before that he could somehow stay here. Of course, it was impossible. Holly had her life to live, and he had his. They were from two worlds that could only be together at very special times.

Like now.

Artemis broke the kiss, breathing a little heavier than usual. 'I really have to go,' he told Holly, looking at his feet.

Holly nodded wordlessly. She understood the impossibility of what they were trying to do just as well as Artemis did. Perhaps even better, considering the severity of the rules that governed her world.

She stepped down from the railing and waved at the shuttle. Inside, Artemis took a seat and gazed out the windows on the opposite side, staring at the cavern that the shuttle was suspended in. Any other time he might have been interested in knowing precisely how this was going to work, but this time all he could think about was how he'd first met Holly. What a start for a relationship…he wondered how many of his parent's friends had met because of an interspecies kidnapping.

He was willing to bet that the number was very small.

The shuttle started to vibrate slightly as the engines were started and the vehicle left the docking bay. Commander Root had commissioned an overeager young sprite, just out of the Academy, to fly the shuttle up to the surface and then bring it STRAIGHT BACK DOWN. He claimed he couldn't spare Holly because of all the damage control that was going to need doing. Holly had protested, but Artemis touched her shoulder and shook his head. It was probably better this way.

Artemis stared at the rocks that were now rushing past at incredible speeds, and he had to wonder how he was ever going to be able to get down here again. The whole place was so isolated…

Then his hand fell on the hand-held communicator that Holly had slipped him earlier, when Root had first announced that the Humans would have to leave, and he smiled a little.

Maybe this wouldn't be so impossible after all.

* * *

Here everyone. Since you all wanted to know what happened to Holly and Artemis. I'll expect molto reviews. ;) 

Just kidding. It was feeling a little untied, anyway. I guess I did leave some loose ends... And anyway, this is really short.

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